Before couples have children, they should walk head-on into a Category 5 hurricane to make sure they’re ready.
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My husband called and said he wants tacos for dinner. We’ve been together for 30 years and I still can’t tell whether or not it’s a euphemism.
and this one
Reasons Pluto is so cold:
3) It’s far from the sun
2) Its atmosphere is too thin to trap heat.
1) It found out we said it’s not a planet.
Me, seeing a man proposing to a woman in public: Hey, this guy bothering you?
“Trump is a good businessman” He has a failed steak biz, a failed vodka biz & failed casinos. HOW DO YOU SCREW UP STEAK, VODKA & GAMBLING
I asked my twins the best thing about turning 6 and my boy twin said “my hands growing bigger” and my girl twin said “I can drink wine now”
snowing hard this morning. Bus driver slid through a red light. Only thing he said was “we slidin” i cant stop thinking about this
[barbarians at the gate]
Me: I just need to let this song finish…
I met 500 new people in the last four months and I remember all of them just not their names or faces
me: I’ve got a date tonight and I need all the help I can get
barber: ok
[later]
her: you look nicebarber, from under the table: tell her she looks nice too
Date: I can’t believe you never saw titantic
Me: To be fair, it did sink before I was born
I don’t understand how people in the Walking Dead are living in the zombie apocalypse and they still look more well rested than I do
You had me at Whipped Cream Vodka.
[dog wedding]
[Bride throws bouquet into crowd]
[Groom catches it, gives it back to Bride]
[Bride throws bouquet again]
[Groom catches..
Her: “Your funny”
Me: “…. Uh ya… this isn’t gonna work”
the sweet sweet relief I felt at logging on and seeing 30-50 feral hogs
therapist: you are your own worst enemy
me: undefeated baby
Whenever a guy boasts he has a party in his pants, I always ask him to prove it.
If he’s not packin nachos, beer and M&Ms, I’m going home.
ok guys the gofundme I set up to hire a hitman to kill me is already at 3x its goal you can stop contributing
My wife told me we had a Lent calendar.
So I asked her when we had to return it.
I shouted “the blue Subaru with an Obama sticker left its lights on!” at Mt. Bachelor and had the *entire* hill to myself for an hour
Waiters who dont write stuff down—what do you win?
becoming “fast friends” with someone is fun, but let’s not forget fast enemies. you ever meet someone and immediately you’re just like oh yeah this person is my enemy now
Based on Harrison’s choice of best place to land, golfers are the most dispensable.
My 2.5 yo pointing to table: Where’s sticker?
Me: the house cleaners must’ve removed it
Pointing to the wall: where’s crayon?
Me: the cleaners must’ve wiped it off
Pointing to toy bin: where’s singing bear?
Me: the cleaners must’ve thrown it out
…we don’t have cleaners
Only 1490’s kids will remember this
*sails from Europe and destroys an indigenous population*
waiter: we don’t allow giraffes in here sir
me: I’m not a giraffe
waiter: I know I’m just telling you
HER: can you please get your feet off the furniture
CANNIBAL [putting them all back into a duffel bag]: sorry about that
Oh your gums are bleeding? I brush my teeth so hard my hand is bleeding
Wife – “I can’t do this anymore. It’s either me or ur dinosaur themed hip-hop group”
Me – “well then I’m afraid I choose the VelociRapStars”