[Dinner table]
Son: no! I don’t wanna!
Me: you want to be like Popeye don’t ya?
Son: …yeah
Me: then hold still for this anchor tattoo.
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All I ask is that when I’m murdered, you make my chalk outline four sizes smaller.
“We were convinced it was Monica from Friends,” said one scientist who asked to not be named
Cop: how long will it take you to hack into the kidnapper’s computer?
Me: idk, two, three hours?
Cop: you have fifteen minutes
Me: then the kid’s gonna die dude
Cop:
Me: I mean you really should have called me sooner
I visited a gun shop in Indiana once and had to use the bathroom; inside was a portrait of a naked man with a thick wooden board covering where his private part would be. Curiosity got the best of me and I tried to lift the board. It let off an air horn throughout the whole store
The woman next to me smells SO good, is it weird if I’m like “What perfume is that, I will literally stop robbing this bank if you tell me”?
While never officially canonized by a Pope, Saint Patrick is widely recognized as the patron saint of Slytherin.
When I was having an affair with twins, people used to ask how I told them apart. Well, Sue had brown eyes and Steve had a moustache.
Cop: where were you between 5 and 6?
Robber: kindergarten probably
Wicked Witch of the West: I’ll get you, my pretty, and your little dog, too!
me: *acting coy & twirling my hair* you think I’m pretty?
Inflation is actually a good thing it means money is going viral
Metallica’s “Nothing Else Matters” is my favorite song about that 5 minutes of sleep before the alarm goes off.
Me trying to match all my Tupperware with the correct lids is how I imagine it was for the prince trying to find Cinderella by making every woman in the land try on a shoe.
But with a hell of a lot more swearing.
Me: am I pretty?
Cat: I mean compared to what?
Me: never mind
Someone’s overfeeding that damn cat.
I mean.. there’s something like Stonehenge in her litter box.
One cake enters. No cake leaves.
[Before the post office was invented]
SOME GUY: I need someone to deliver an important document
PIGEON: *simply existing*
SOME GUY: You seem trustworthy
People who say I’m hard to shop for obviously didn’t see how excited I just got finding an almond on the couch.
Hell hath no fury like a pizza pocket that hasn’t had proper cooling time.
Spent 10mins fighting a spider last night before finding out it was a flake of cardboard
I’m fine
Them: if lemonade has real lemons in it, do you think gatorade has actual gators in it?
Me: *drinking poisonade* oh shit
With children it’s important to be specific. For example, I told my 5-year-old to sneeze into an elbow. He sneezed into an elbow. My elbow.
Things I learned today:
1) Gel is not short for jelly
2) KY isn’t an acronym for “Krazy Yummy”
3) I’m not allowed to make my own lunch
[on 1st date]
Him: So why is someone as pretty as you single?
Me: Single? Who’s single? [gets right up in his face] We marry at dawn.
You say tomato. I say tomato. Our eyes meet. We’ve decided on the perfect name for our baby
Me: What do you want for Christmas?
Him: You not telling me I did something wrong for a whole day.
Me: no. Think of something else.
Parenting is being woken up at midnight to answer “mumma if sharks don’t have bones how do they have skeletons?”
Always the sasquatch in chains in the back of a pick up truck, never the bride.
I’ve literally never clicked copied and pasted text and thought, “I’m so glad it kept the formatting and font from the other document.”
we shouldn’t limit ourselves to asking for autographs from actors and pro athletes and musicians. i want a work boot signed by the best forklift operator at the warehouse