Met a man named Drew like 3 days ago. We exchanged numbers. This morning I woke up in a group chat, started by his alleged wife, with 8 other women. It’s been comedy and chaos ever since 😂.
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hey man i’m really worried about you.. your mum said you haven’t been looking after your gutbiome ?
I want to be buried in a spring loaded casket filled with confetti.
I just want a future archaeologist to have a great day.
“Is chicken the animal spelled the same as chicken the food?”
– my child, about to be shook
My ex got engaged at Christmas but apparently responding to the news with “LOL” is “a representation of everything that is wrong with me.”
If you think my tweets are bad you should see most of my life choices
Facebook is terrific way to connect with classmates who haven’t aged as well as you.
Did you know that the sound of fallen leaves scattering across the pavement in the wind sounds just like someone running up behind you in the dark?
Did you also know I can run 83 mph?
Back in my day we rode our bikes without helmets. Back in my day we rode our bikes without helmets.
[carnival]
me: I’d like an elephant!
face painter: on your cheek or…?
me: *unbuttoning pants* my wife is going to be so surprised
My current wife doesn’t like when I call her that
coworker: hey grant
me: [stands up]
cw: u know what I hate about this job
me: [walks out of office]
cw: [follows me] u know what I hate
me: [takes elevator to top floor]
cw: u know what I hate
me: [climbs ladder to rooftop]
cw: u know what I hate
me: [jumps]
Me: I need the other guy
Him: I’m the head surgeon
Me: [with a broken foot] exactly
My daughter just told me that she’s the boss of me, and when I tried to respectfully disagree she said “don’t you dare talk to your boss like that”
I’ve never been on a vehicle that was hijacked but I have been on a boat driven by a teenager and I think the level of fear is probably the same
My 3yr old lost her mind because I apparently hurt her doll’s feelings. I swear I’ve been nothing but polite to that doll but now it’s on.
[on a date with a caribou as a favor to my sister]
me: so…did you like the movie?
caribou: *knocks over candy display & tramples 3 kids*
At Starbucks:
It’s Bryan with a “y”
(3 minutes later)
“Venti Iced Vanilla Latte for Briany!”
Motherhood is when your child looks like a sparkling cherub and you look like a steaming pile of nope.
If I could ask God for one thing, it would probably be power equal to or greater than his own.
To keep people on their toes, when offered food at an event, I ask “Are there bees in this?”
They should sell edibles at the airport with the slogan “make every flight a red eye”. This would make approximately 600 billion dollars
I’m such a disaster that 9/11 and The Titanic would go out on a date together and watch a movie about me.
What will you contribute to the fight during the coming zombie apocalypse?
I will contribute a drawer full of Whataburger ketchup packets and McDonald’s hot mustard packets.
So, I assure you, you will want me on your zombie fighting team.
Teens are like the Magic 8ball of humans, they think they have all the answers & you want to shake them because what they said was stupid.
I have no covid-19 symptoms, which from what I hear, is a symptom of covid-19
*hears someone breaking into my house*
Me from upstairs: Don’t you dare touch the last piece of chocolate cake!
°pulls up to drive-thru°
[ME] ONE NUMBER 4 WITH A COKE
[FREIND] aren’t you on a diet
[ME] oh yeah..AND A BOOK ABOUT MANNERS FOR MY FRIEND
You haven’t Instagramed what you had for dinner yet? Please hurry up, the suspense is killing me.
If monogamy is sex with only one person, what is origami?
Trojans: oh cool guys it’s that giant horse we ordered off Amazon
Greek soldiers: [quietly] lmao