Willy Wonka and the Chocolate Factory is the most whimsical film about the systematic murder of children that I have ever seen.
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I love when you look into someone’s eyes and you can just see their face light up because they are some sort of cyborg with face lighting.
witch (intending to push gretel into the oven): go check the oven
me: mean witch! but cunning
gretel (intending to push the witch into the oven): how do you check an oven
me: the chess game continues. Genius
witch: okay. i will put my body in the oven to demonstrate
me: oh
wife: its ruining date night
me: its ruining date night because you’re letting it ruin date night
hitchhiker: just drop me off on the corner
[text message]
Coworker: Can I call you quick?
Me: No, that’s what my wife calls me
That awkward moment when you lazily follow someone cos of 1 funny joke, then realize all the rest of their stuff is KKK recruitment material
The writing’s on the wall because I have a 4 year old
The first person who saw a kangaroo reach into its pouch never fuckin’ thought it’d yank another little kangaroo outta there
Martin Shkreli in jail: “Can I have an aspirin?”
Jail: “Yes. That will be $197,000.”
DATING: i can’t believe we have so much in common
MARRIAGE: please don’t watch your stuff under my netflix profile
[stargazing]
“It’s amazing the activity you can pick up with a decent telescope [lowers kaleidoscope] absolutely amazing.”
Taped a note to the beehive warning the Queen to recall her bees or face a flamethrower. Bitch called and told me to suck her bee clit. 🙁
Me: Since the kids are spending the night at Grandma’s, we FINALLY have the chance to sleep in.
Smoke alarm battery: Not if I can help it.
When guys tweet selfies they should totally place a few hams into the background “accidentally” so women know they can afford meat
Cats won’t give away your position when someone knocks on the door. They hide with you, like understanding furry ninjas.
[texting]
her: 🍆+🍑
me: *shows up with eggplant parmesan and peach pie*
her: YES!!!!
Me: No glove no love.
Gyno: Please don’t make another pap uncomfortable.
I found an old photo of 5 yo me in my dad’s boat and on the back he’d written “my pride and joy” and I’m 99% certain he was referring to the boat
I threw away garbage.
In the garbage can.
The day after garbage day.
My husband is horrified with me.
caveman: *bit by a radioactive cave*
My daughter just described someone as “looking like she was drawn from memory” and I think that’s the best insult I’ve ever heard.
I don’t have friends with ugly babies mostly because I believe in honesty
I ran out of coffee this morning, beer seemed like an acceptable replacement. Everyone is so pretty today.
I refuse to clean my house before you arrive because it perpetuates our slavery to capitalism. Just kidding, I’ve vacuumed the attic in case you wanted to see our 15 year old baby gates.
I feel a deep connection to librarians because I also love telling people to shut up.
Date: I’m looking for someone who is courageous.
Me: I’m braver than any marine.
Marine, at the table to my left: Excuse me?
Me: Any, uh, marine animal.
Manatee, on a date with the marine: Excuse us?
“Can you cook dinner tonight?”
Can’t. New meds say I can’t operate any heavy machinery and that stove doesn’t look light
My 4 year old walks around the house with a walkie talkie clipped on his pants like he’s here installing high speed internet.
establish dominance at work by drinking iced tea in a wine glass
My ex is fat!!! Yay…I win!!!
Can everyone please stop tweeting the clapping emoji it’s making all my lights turn on and off