You Might Also Like
How much does it cost to keep chickens?
About a buckahhhh week
Hubs cleaned out the garage without being asked so I’m looking back over the Ashley Madison list just in case I missed something.
Don’t move, I know what I’m doing.
*takes a nap
DATING TIP: When your crush texts you, win them over by playing hard to get. Throw your phone in a river. Change your name. Move to Belgium.
My daughter has decided she now eats dark chocolate, the one treat I never had to hide because I was the only one in the house who liked it.
Nothing is sacred.
Sucking someone’s finger is supposed to be seductive, but my dentist just seemed pretty upset.
Me: I’ve lost my kitten
Cop: How would you best describe him?
Me: He looks like a miniature cat
We found Max..
#MyFebruaryAccomplishment
I just need you to see the stairs in an apartment I viewed. Am I a mountain goat?
“What sins have you committed?”
Well…
[20 minutes later]
… finally fit my whole fist up there. I shit you not. Father?
*vomiting sound*
ZzzQuil should come with a warning label saying “May cause you to wake up naked at a 7 Eleven while everyone is staring at you.”
The problem with finding people who accept me for who I am is that I question their judgment
Dance like no one’s going to press charges.
duolingo: he is a boy
me: él es un niño
duolingo: she is a girl
me: ella es una niña
duolingo: can i make it anymore obvious
me: puedo—wait
No I’m not drunk driving
My kids just keep demanding I LOOK
Perfect
jesus: and take this foot, for it is my lasagna
peter: ok let’s get you home
Moms. The original autocorrect.
History fun fact:
In the Middle Ages, anyone could get a concealed carry permit. You never knew who might have a trebuchet tucked under their coat or a siege tower in their pants. Dangerous times.
If I’m carrying a torch for you it’s only because I want to set you on fire.
Rejected Candy Hearts:
– Meh. You’ll do.
– You’ve done worse.
– STD Free
First date:
*don’t let her know you’re a tyranosaurus, don’t let her know yo..*
Her: So, what do you do for a liv-
*bites her in half*
I like to go the extra mile and then not come back.
DOCTOR: You need to excercise portion control.
ME: Thank God. For a second I thought you said I needed to exercise.
Nothing freaks out people like unblinking eye contact in a public restroom.
Especially when you do it from underneath the stall divider.
When the atm charges you 3.50 to take out your own money but tells you to cover your pin so you don’t get robbed
There is no day that can’t be improved by seeing pictures of how they weigh an owl.
(Inventing bathroom stalls)
Guy: should the door touch the ground
Other guy: how would we see their shoes?
Developer: We have a problem.
Manager: Remember, there are no such things as problems, only opportunities.
Developer: Well then, we have a DDoS opportunity.
Stop earbuds from tangling by putting them on then carefully stapling them to your body.
Who’s ready for music?
Not you.
You have tetanus