My wife persuaded me to get a cat on the grounds they’re independent and take care of themselves.
Anyway, here’s a picture of me helping Bobby off the shed roof after he got stuck. Again.
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bro: she stressing u out g??
me:
(Me on trampoline outside your bedroom window)
WhyDid
You
Unfollow
Me?
Imitation is the sincerest form of crabmeat.
coworker relationships are so bizarre like i wouldn’t acknowledge you in public but i def know all about how your great aunt poisoned your great uncle for a life insurance payout.
On the phone with my therapist and she is clearly going through the McDonalds drive through 😓
I won twenty bucks on a lotto scratcher tonight – do I HAVE to go to work tomorrow?
I gave my son an iPhone for Christmas and I haven’t seen him since.
Parenting is easy.
Spending this evening saving Princess Zelda, because Princess Zelda has never ‘accidentally’ hooked up with her Sociology T.A. while abroad.
GENIE: you have 3 fishes
ME: you mean wishes, right?
GENIE: times are tough
ME:
GENIE:
ME:
GENIE:
ME: I’ll take two mackerel and a goldfish
You know in the first “Austin Powers” when Dr. Evil tells the therapy group about his childhood? I can deliver that bit of dialog verbatim from memory.
Interviewer: Um…yes, well I’m not sure that would be particularly useful in a hospice facility.
When our children are on their own and off our medical insurance, we’re going to take that extra money and buy Fiji.
Friend: I’m poly.
Me, pulling out crackers: Well, you won’t believe what I have for you!
My mother’s kitchen floor is so clean you could eat off it. You could eat off mine too, there’s all kinds of stuff down there.
There’s a special hole in my backyard for people to hit me in the back of the ankles with a shopping cart.
I’m going to complain about the cold until a Canadian gets mad enough to say something rude, like ‘I’m sorry but it’s colder in Canada.”
10,000 chores when all you need is a nap
I’m swilling port like a British butler who had a rough afternoon at the races.
When I can’t find my car keys, I’m grateful for the most helpful suggestions like “Where did you last leave them?” and “They’ll turn up”.
Thigh gap? Give me some corduroy pants and I’ll start a fire.
On my tax form I checked the single box but added “and looking”.
Goldfish 1: People are dumb. They actually think our memories only last for 3 seconds.
Goldfish 2: That is absolutely ridiculous.
Goldfish 1: What is absolutely ridiculous?
If she says “I have a question but don’t lie”, just know that she already has eight photos, three witnesses, a voice message and eighty six screenshots.
me: how much for the funny smelling spray?
employee: perfume?
me: no, the whole bottle
My neighbors have been listening to my kid’s favorite song over and over and over today. Whether they liked it or not.
therapist: and what is it about this generation that bothers you?
satan: i give them the intro tour and they just say shit like “ooo spooky lol”
therapist: that’s not so bad
satan: when i showed one girl the pit of everlasting flame, she sighed and said “big mood”
Just saw a bird walking down the side of the road & yelled out my window, “YOU CAN FLY, YOU STUPID BIRD,” because I am a mature adult.
My toddler appears to know a magic spell to transform any space into a Hoarders episode.
Before I get out of an elevator, I hug every single person in there with me and whisper in their ear “You’ve taught me so much.”
[funeral]
He looks so natural.
Ya, but he looks a little stiff.
*raises from the dead*
“That’s what… *gargle* …she said.”
*dies again*
How did so many people gain weight during the pandemic when salad was the only thing stores never ran out of?