Waffles make excellent pill organizers
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Me: An icicle is the perfect murder weapon. It just melts!!
He: I asked about the perfect date.
good morning to everyone but especially my dog who got herself stuck in a folding chair and instead of barking for help just waddled around with it on her back like some kind of hermit crab
If you see me at the beach this weekend, that’s not me. Don’t follow me. That works here but is creepy in real life.
*Password must be hard to guess*
New Password: H0neyWhatDoYouWantForDinner?
As an adult you should already know shit like if you’re standing in the rain you should wear a rain coat and if you’re standing in a trench, you should wear a trench coat
It’s okay bowel syndrome, I am irritable too.
A funny thing to do would be to text random numbers with “I got the live bees you sent, they’ll do nicely”
“Update your Adobe or you’ll be sleeping with the fishes”
– Flash mob
why do marvel movies need 3 hours to accomplish what the powerpuff girls did in 11 minutes
Love when strangers try to fact check your personal tweets, like why would i lie about throwing up, Kevin? lol.
worst place to be stung by bees is the club bc it just looks like you’re doing cool dance moves & sure u win the dance off but at what cost
“Alexa, negotiate brexit.”
Keep your friends’ cake
and your enemies’ cake.
Me: Alexa, when will computers become self-aware?
Alexa: When will YOU become self-aware?
M: *gazing out a window, crying* good one, Alexa
A saltwater crocodile’s bite can exert up to 3,700 lbs of pressure per square inch, which scientists say is notably less than that produced by my Dad Stare. Tread carefully, chief
i got the covid booster and a flu shot earlier today and the guy giving it to me was like “are you getting this for school or work?” and i panicked and said “for fun”
I keep the peace. As a hoarder, I keep pretty much everything.
I always keep my eyes closed if I get up in the night to use the bathroom because how else am I meant to stop the sleepiness from escaping?
Thinking about having kids?
Buy a plant.
If you can keep it alive for 18 years, hopefully you’re too old to have kids by then.
In movies a reckoning is always a trial by combat, whereas in my life a reckoning is far more likely to be an out of order men’s room, or a girl scout troop that I owe cookie money
confuse your coworkers today by telling them you’re going to the restroom to do a “number 3”
THERAPIST: How did you feel when you first realized you had a Gloria Gaynor obsession?
ME: First I was afraid. I was petrified.
[little snake covering himself with glue before school so his crush will think he started shedding]
What’s the difference between a sweater and a jacket.
You wear a jacket when you’re cold.
You wear a sweater when your mum is cold.
#SweaterDay #RubbishJokes
The kids were being so annoying at bedtime last night, I threatened to take them back in time and put them to bed early.
Don’t put all my eggs in one basket? Nice try, basket industry, I’m onto your marketing scam… #EasterBaskets
Whew Netflix is making a LOT of enemies. Kids away at school, kids who live with different parents depending on the day, grandparents who live elsewhere but have their own accounts, people who travel for work…like girl. All this and half your mess can’t get a season 2??? Be fr
[waking up in a ice-filled bathtub with a fresh wound across my abdomen] oh Jesus God no, somebody took my wolves
DoorDash is great if you like having a sandwich and also 13 emails
Me: *being possessed* Ew, do you always feel like this?