The entire premise of Scooby Doo was if you’re scary enough people will leave you the hell alone to pursue your passion. It’s been a guiding principle of my adult life.
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Forget ‘Drive like your kids live here,’ drive like you have 4 large diet cokes on your passenger seat
“There’s no reason to be on Twitter anymore.”
*Every other site goes down*
“Guess who’s back…back again.”
Men, start giving your partners more inventive compliments. “You have the sort of face that a Victorian novelist would describe as amiable.” “You could play Tony Blair’s wife in a movie starring Timothee Chalamet.” Try it!
My wife said: Pls go to shop & buy a carton of Milk & if they have eggs, get six. I came back with Six cartons of Milk & told they had eggs.
Bit chilly again tonight.
As my cheeseburger and fries arrived, the woman next to me told the bartender she’s absolutely starving, and then asked for a glass of champagne, 2 olives and a fork.
Me: HAIL SATAN!!
Her: What?
Me: I mean, your sister is on the phone.
I miss trying to seem sober to a bartender and just way overdoing it like “Excuse me good sire, may I please inquire as to the whereabouts of your bathing rooms?”
So a coffee break is when you stop drinking coffee for a minute, right?
Every day has been Fat Tuesday since quarantine started.
My wife and I take turns going to our 11-year-old’s swim meets.
Two weeks in a row, when it was my turn, the meet got canceled.
Now our daughter always wants it to be my turn.
Looks like we all just want to stay home.
interview: problem solving skills?
me: i once fit 9 people into a 1986 Toyota Corolla
Me, seeing a man proposing to a woman in public: Hey, this guy bothering you?
*tries to flirt*
*twirls hair in fingers*
*fingers get caught in giant knot*
*learns to live using only one arm*
*gives Twitter a coloring book & some crayons so it will stop asking me questions*
Boss: Stop putting fake teeth marks in the urinal cakes. You’re freaking out the customers.
Me: Fake?
KATY PERRY: Can I use a real tiger?
NFL: No way, that would be dumb.
KATY PERRY: Oh I’ll show you dumb.
“Damn girl are you?” -Existentialist pick-up line
Define “toned.”
-Me to the Creators of all Dating Apps
*Googles: How to fake your own death and erase existence before 9am monday morning.
I’m sorry but I love this one 🤣🤣🤣
I rank my kids by how many chores they do and how much they complain.
My favorite child is the Roomba.
So apparently in Las Vegas if you leave the “do not disturb” sign on your hotel door for more than 72 hours they automatically send over a police officer to make sure you’re still alive. Steve was very nice.
Interviewer: u worked in sales before?
Me: yeah
Interviewer: what’s your background?
Me [gets phone out]: picture of my dog eating spaghetti
After all of the screaming I’ve done, you’d think that this roach would give it up and WANT to die.
Does anyone know any herbal remedies for worthlessness?
my body: *works a complex system of biological processes to scab over my damaged skin*
me: *about to rip the scab off for no reason*
Magician: Ok Sir, pick one, write your name on it, and put it back in to the pack. Don’t let me see which one it was.
Me:(wrestling with angry wolf) Have you ever thought of trying this trick with playing cards!!
#RateMyPun #LunchPun
If the government implants a tracking device on me the only useful information they are going to get is how many times I actually pee in a day.
Pro tip: When quickly pulling into your garage to avoid your neighbor be sure your garage door is all the way up.