I like to dye my hair when I stay in hotel rooms to make the housekeepers believe I’m on the run.
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*runs away from it all*
*runs back*
*grabs phone charger*
*runs away from it all again*
why pay a therapist to pinpoint your flaws when people on Twitter will tell you for free
*drinks Grey Goose
*adds bird fanatic to the resume
showing a photo of a healthy guy to my doctor like i’d show the barber a picture of a haircut
my first real experience with gang violence was the buttercream gang.
She tells me to live in the present then gets upset when I don’t remember our anniversary, pick a lane.
him: i need some space
me: fine i’ll wait outside the bathroom door
My cat killed a mouse, walked away and looked back at me. I don’t feel safe anymore.
1996: Why do they call the internet “the web”
20 years later, trapped & unable to leave: Oh
Everytime someone says that token sentence “let me know if I can do anything for you” praying you don’t ask, ask for a mortgage payment.
I keep every love note I’ve ever written because one day I’ll have grandchildren who will find them and it’ll fill my heart with joy to hear one of them ask what it means to tongue punch a fur burger.
Award for the best actress goes to my 7YO for her performance as a starving deprived child right before bedtime
You say kidnapping. I say surprise adoption.
Tomato, Tomahto
Get in the van.
i dont understand how humans can land on the moon but also sometimes a snake gets loose from the zoo like are we good at things or not
I hope my company doesn’t😂😂
I’m sorry that I gave your baby a wine cooler. I forgot that I superglued a mustache on him earlier and thought he was of legal age.
“Eat your dinner so that lamb didn’t die for nothing” – will ensure you get your daughter’s helping, too.
My 6 yr old lost a tooth and then finger quoted “tooth fairy” so I just handed him $5 and told him to do whatever he wanted with the tooth
This is bullshit!
I asked for a “Happy Ending” at an Asian massage parlor, & now she’s dressed like Snow White, expecting me to marry her.
Me: *buys anything at the store*
Wife: Was it on sale?
Me: Yes.
Wife: Did you use a coupon?
Me: Yes.
Wife: Did you use your discount card?
Me: Oops.
Wife: You’ve brought shame on us all.
Interviewer: Where do you want to be in 5 years?
Me: Oh, it doesn’t matter. You will have fired me well before then.
What if you told a lie to cover up your affair, and the lie was so good that 2000 years later people were still giving each other presents?
I think I want to be a ballerina. Or a fire dancer. Or I want to set a ballerina on fire. I don’t know. I’m still working it out.
*goes to church
I need all this water turned into wine. Thanks.
the twelve days of christmas is completely unrealistic there is no way that you’re still accepting gifts from someone after four days of birds
I haven’t vacuumed since two thousand and twitter.
Why do birds suddenly appear every time you are near? It’s because you are feeding them bread Karen.
Marital Law & Martial Law while look similar have very different meanings…
.. Except at my house.
Guys, I need a good recipe that will make my guests never come visit again.
“Kids, part of my comprehensive zombie apocalypse plan are these Tshirts to keep up with each other”
“Daddy, why do ours say appetizer?”