I have social anxiety but am toxically polite. I faked plans to get out of talking to someone & then invited them to the fake plans.
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If anything bites you, chain yourself in the basement for the next full moon. Just to be sure.
*things I learned from horrors
I want to go on a shopping spree at a book store..
But I also like electricity and food.. so you see my dilemma..
“I’m not a big horse person”
– a lying centaur
Him: I think you pick fights with me to get out of doing things together
Me: That’s not true
H: Wanna go hiking
M: I don’t like your tone
I installed a pet door over the weekend, and the dog barked at it, and the cat pissed on it, but the raccoons have got the idea.
Sure sex is good but have you ever balled your undies up and thrown across the room into the laundry basket first try?
If you pencil in your eyebrows just right, coworkers will not attempt to talk to you
*Puts on angry eyebrows*
Bored?
Looking for some action?Call my parents and tell them you heard the price of stamps are going up again.
Going feral. Y’all need anything?
Priest: for what have you come to ask forgiveness, my dear?
Me: my student loans
Priest: [to god] can…can she do that?
*Sneezes*
Dating: Bless you
Engaged: You’re adorable
Married: We need to talk
Jesus Christ, google you’re gonna get him killed
Apple want $3,500 for their Vision Pro. No thanks. I can look like a dork for free.
Arkansas is just Kansas for pirates.
I don’t often get suspicious,but squirrels rubbing their tiny hands together? I worry they won the lottery & hired a good hit & run attorney
My doctor told me to avoid unnecessary stress, so I stopped going to doctors.
Two sessions in and my therapist absolutely hates the guy who suggested I need therapy. Love that for me.
If an assassin ever wanted to kill me but make it look like an accident they could just wait until I was walking down the stairs with a plateful of nachos and throw me a pizza
covid positive at the same time as ur long distance crush? sars crossed lovers
Unless you’re a pregnancy test, take that negativity elsewhere.
[sees man with a dracula tattoo] *whispers to self* vamp stamp
Pulls out flip phone, flips open, stares at screen, closes, clips back to hip.
Phone doesn’t even work; I do it for the ladies on the bus.
I find joy in the small things now, like a pair of cardinals at the bird feeder or seeing my douchehole neighbor trip over his garden hose.
I set my GPS voice to Mom, and now when I miss a turn, it says “Your sister wouldn’t have missed that.”
God: you’ll protect your kids by carrying them 3,000 miles to keep them warm
Penguin: got it
God: you get pouches to keep ‘em safe & so they never get lost
Kangaroo: Love it
God: when they get too big just throw them out & hope for the best
Bird: wait, what?
Dropped a peanut butter cracker and no one came running so of course my first thought was that the dogs had been raptured.
My 7-year-old told me that he loves me and hopes I never die, and the only thing that could have made this moment more special is if I wasn’t sitting on the toilet.
Who called it a one night stand and not a humpty dumpty?
Are you there God? It’s me, Margaret.
YES MY CHILD
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Unsolved Mysteries: We don’t know what happened, and now neither do you.