I wonder if dogs get embarrassed when they have to stand that way and shit in front of everybody. I know I do.
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I packed workout clothes for a vacation and my suitcase guffawed, unzipped itself and shot the clothes back out like a t-shirt cannon
Fifty shades of grey is my favourite movie about English weather.
“You take pills because you’re crazy”
“No MOM, I take pills because they make me tolerant of crazy people that don’t take pills”
doctor: this may hurt
me: june doesn’t look much better
She went out this morning for milk and lovingly announced upon her return that she’d bought me two donuts, then when I wasn’t looking she unlovingly ate one.
Seems a bit forward
There are usually two types of merchants.
Gf: We’re gonna be late for our dinner reservation
Me: Hang on, I’m right at the end of my book
Gf: FFS he’s there, behind that tree
Me: Waldo you rascal!
Jurassic Park, but all of the raptors are played by Jim Carrey.
Me: this is almost as scary as the dmv haha
Dentist: haha yeah, my license is suspended
Me: oh, what do you drive?
Dentist: deep breath and count back from 3. drive?
why tf do americans say tuna fish? like what other types of tuna are there?
I relate to #PizzaRat because if I found a slice of pizza as big as a car you can bet I’d try my best to take that thing home.
I don’t actually need a house cleaner, I just need the threat of a house cleaner coming over as motivation
Hamburger Hinderer.
Imagine you’re fine, minding your own business and then someone offers you a 50$ gift card and you end up spending 400$
Welp, I just ran my car off the road. I was doing the “We Will Rock You” beat with my hands and forgot I don’t have a self-driving car
[a pig opens the door for me]
Thank you, ha’am.
As I’ve gotten older, my “fear of missing out” has been replaced by my “fear of being invited out.”
Parenting tip: Unplug the microwave before dropping acid because you’ll inevitably put the baby in there for safe keeping.
Right now, Girl Scout moms are hungrily eyeing the cases of cookies filling their living rooms and wondering if their bank accounts can take the hit
I call my horse mayo
bc mayo neighs
*peeking out the curtains, sighing heavily* Honeyyyy we’ve got sexy singles in our area again
*getting the broom*
Shoo! Shoo! Terry, you have to stop leaving hard seltzers on the porch, it attracts them,
Sorry I followed your minivan for an hour. I got caught up in the movie your kids were watching and wanted to see how it ends.
When a cop asks if I know why they pulled me over, I worry I’ll confess to a crime spree. That’s crazy tho, so I laugh and say, ‘probably because I let you’.
*Shrek pre-production meeting*
Producer: Do we have a name for the dragon yet
Guy who named the donkey “Donkey”: I was thinking Dragon sir
January 29, 1802, 2 AM: I hope this letter finds you well. Are you up?
March 2: I am, good sir
April 6: Would you kindly come over?
May 9: K
And is the financial stability in the room with us right now?
My (27F) boyfriend (28M) won’t stop saying he’s “microdosing pants” whenever he wears shorts
Virgo: Sure you can slake your thirst on the blood of your enemies but be careful, their tears have all the electrolytes.