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Keep your friends close and a bag of chips closer.
Rick Astley will let you borrow any movie from his Pixar collection except for one. He’s never gonna give you Up.
Laying down some rules for my surfer gf… when she tells her friends why I won’t go in the water I want her to explain that I’m scared of the size of the ocean, and not just say “He’s scared” without elaborating
I don’t judge you when you make a typo.
I first look at the keypad and how far the letters are apart.
Then I judge you.
[Dr. Strange casting read]
Ancient One: Ópẽñ yõür ẽyé, Stéphẽñ
Benedict Cumberbatch: …what… is this accent for real?
Tilde Swinton: Í’m ñõt dõíñg ãñ ãccéñt
I need a few hundred steps to meet my daily goal. I only hope my wine doesn’t spill.
Eating in my 40s is confusing: I’m young enough that I still need to take care of my body, but old enough that I don’t want to risk having a salad as my last meal.
Boss pissed me off at work today
Might microwave a tuna sandwich and leave early
[hunting]
DAD: dont scare him
ME: did u know we dump 16 tons of sewage into our waters every minute
DEER: holy shit
DAD: what did i just say
Barista: May I suggest a French vanilla caramel mocha? It pairs well with our bourbon maple bacon glazed donut.
Me: That many flavors would give my palate a nervous breakdown.
Imagine a giraffe. Now imagine the giraffe trying to get on a pool float. Now put my face on the giraffe. That’s about right.
My old WiFi name used to be BoratVoiceMyWifi but I’ve since matured
Don’t advertise “All You Can Eat” then drag me out kicking and screaming with fists full of shrimp.
Pro tip: being patient will get you out of raking leaves. One of these days will be windy and they will blow into your neighbors yard.
Call me a hopeless romantic, but there’s nothing like a candlelit dinner to obscure the rodent droppings in my storage unit.
Why did they call it K-pop and not Seoul music?
The year is 2543. Beyblades are a form of currency. Everyone speaks in emoji. President Woof outlaws all cats. Madonna releases a new single
Everyone on this website is always like, “Eat the rich,” but then Carol Baskin feeds her millionaire husband to a tiger and it’s a problem, hypocrites
i sadistically pat the top of my sandwiches before eating them like good job now you die.
You can’t even be mad at the dog for this. You just have to be impressed.
gingerbread man: hold on
[puts baking paper on the bed]
*kissing intensifies*
I would like a formal apology each time I prove to my computer it wrongly accused me of being a robot.
FRIEND: can you hold my keys?
ME: no [pulling another fanny pack out of my fanny pack] but you can
The best part of being incompetent to cook and feed myself is that when I travel I am positive I didn’t leave the oven on.
I just paid off a credit card debt with a different credit card & now I get why people rob banks.
My husband still talks about that one time he loaded the dishwasher correctly like it’s going to get our kids into Harvard.
I don’t wanna start the year with any negativity so if you and I have had issues in the past, apologise to me immediately.
Ever need something at the grocery store but someone is standing right in front of it? So instead of rushing them you just pretend that you’re looking at what’s right next to you and be all like “wow these are some nice bacon bits”
*Goes to a monastery knocks on the door. A monk answers the door.
Monk: (smiles) Hello. May I help you?
Me: By Chance is your name Chip?
Monk: What?
Me: If your name is Chip that would make you Chip-Monk! Get it? Like Alvin yah know?
Monk: *Whispers “Thou Shall Not Kill”.
Husband: You should go to bed.
Me: *pauses show* But there’s only 64 episodes left.