[last supper]
Jesus (to Judas): so your facebook status said you were anxious? Anything u wanted to say
Judas (sweating): no not really
You Might Also Like
Science fact: If you took a human intestinal tract and stretched it from the Earth to the Moon, you would definitely get fired from NASA.
Thought buying a laptop for 12 would’ve given me some quiet time but here i am filming unboxing videos and crying
I’m worried my dog will never find out who’s a good boy.
Men fantasize about me, women want to be me and children obey me!
[wakes up on bathroom rug]
I call my phone Lois because it doesn’t recognize me without my glasses
I saw a sign that said “Watch for children”
I thought to myself “That sounds like a fair trade”
peep davidson
I hear you like horror movies
You should see me first thing in the morning when I forgot to take my makeup off
*winks forever*
who called it a chinese finger trap and not a digit fidget widget?
Why did it have to be the dog? I have the hubby insured for $1.5 million.
Me high af: are you in line?
Mannequin:
Nothing says ‘I love you’ like an echo chamber
11YR OLD: dad, are we poor?
ME: we are rich in love…we are rich in laughter
11: so we’re poor
M: yes
Does anybody know what day Easter falls on this year?
Some are mad Trump won.
Others are mad that the anti-Trumps are mad.
I’m mad that you open up a new bag of chips and it’s only 1/3 full.
7 A.M.: I will only eat the wholesome low-calorie whole grain cereal with skim milk.
MIDNIGHT: Where are the chocolates? I must have more chocolates!
Just some repair guys and me at work right now. If a pizza delivery guy and a director show up, I’m leaving.
just a reminder that when Shakespeare was in quarantine for the plague, he wrote the lyrics to “thong song”
friend: what r u up to
me: eating 3 pounds of pasta
friend: what r u training for
me: eating 5
Instead of a promise ring, I wear an onion ring
I’m saving my appetite for something pure
The one upside to triplets is that you finally have enough babies to juggle
Me, on phone: Hi, I’d like to cancel my account.
Cust Serv Rep: Oh I’m sorry, you’re not an authorized user.
Me: Oh ok, let me go grab my husband
Also me: Hi, this is Nicholas
HER: Are you free Friday night?
ME: Let me check my colander.
HER: Your…
ME: *checking* Nope, sorry, I’ll be making spaghetti.
[Giving my eulogy]
GIRLFRIEND: He was beloved for his many funny tweets, such as,
*Scrolling**Scrolling*
*Scrolling*
*Very slight chuckle*
*Scrolling*
Okay I actually don’t see any I like but he talked about it a lot, so I assume he was good.
A Library is a good place to get in a fight with ur girlfriend cuz its the only place u can get away with saying “Shhh” w/out being murdered
video game drill sergeant: alright you worthless puke! try using your WASD keys to walk around the room!
me: [walks around the room]
video game drill sergeant: that is out-standing! you’re one of the finest soldiers ive ever laid my eyes on!
You might be “street-smart” but you’re “everywhere-else-stupid”.
*Sees someone tying a yellow ribbon around a tree*
Me: Oh dang, Groot knows karate
Doc: “Your arm is broken. I’ll put you in a cast for a while and it’ll recover.”
Me: “Ok, but I don’t get how being in a movie will help.”
Me: Have a good day at school.
Child: Impossible.
Me: What? Why?
Child: Hey dad, have a good day at work.
Me: Oh ok I see what you’re saying.