2020: How to turn 5 pieces of clothing into a yearlong wardrobe.
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there is asparagus
in my hairagusand I don’t
caragus
As everyone is watching in horror what I did to that pinata, I realized that’s not how you’re supposed to get to the candy.
Me: What do you want for breakfast?
4yo: Bagel
Me: *makes it
4yo: Tricked you! I wanted toast
Me: Nice trick. Now, eat your bagel
[at the drug store]
Employee: May I help you, sir?
Me (nervously): YEAH, I’M LOOKING FOR SOMETHING CALLED A “CHILL PILL”
Woman: Does Viagra work?
Pharmacist: Yes
Woman: Can you get it over the counter?
Pharmacist: Yes if I take two!
I think the implication that you might want to share your Kit Kat with 3 friends seems unreasonable.
My car is not officially locked until I hear the horn beep 86 times.
My Mom taught me to treat others the way I want to be treated so I always walk up to strangers and spray canned cheese in their mouth.
facebook is always sending me suggestions of “an event that might interest you” – it all interests me, facebook! trust me! it’s not for a lack of interest … so, if you could please tweak these suggestions to “an event that you can afford” … that would be great … thanks
Conspiracy theory: If they really want to catch Big Foot, why don’t they look at the factory where Christmas stockings are made?
the metric system will never catch on here because too many Americans are into feet
Everyone told me how great all the food is that comes out of an air fryer. I bought one and put it on my kitchen counter THREE DAYS AGO and not one fucking thing has come out of it. You people are all liars!
Cinderella is my favorite story of a guy who couldn’t remember what the love of his life looked like.
My neighbor told me coyotes keep eating his outdoor cats so I asked how many cats he has and he said he just goes to the shelter and gets a new cat afterwards so I said it sounds like he’s just feeding shelter cats to coyotes and then his daughter started crying.
I just stopped by to water my horse.
[first day as a crime scene photographer]
me: pretty weak lighting in here
*drags the corpse outside*
Gym instructor: It’s never too late to start working out.
Me: Fantastic! I’ll start tomorrow.
With all due respect to Marie Kondo if I wanted to actually get rid of all the things in my life that didn’t “bring me joy” I’d just throw myself into a dumpster
idk flipping houses looks really hard
Just dropped a butcher knife in the kitchen and apparently I can fly now. So that’s cool.
A great way to get a cw to stop talking to you permanently is to start clipping your toenails in the middle of their story
BREAKING: DirecTV subscribers lose The Weather Channel over fee dispute. Luckily, subscribers will keep windows, which they can look out of.
“I came in to pick up a book I’d placed on hold and it’s not here anymore!”
“Sorry about that — when did we notify you that the book was here?”
“I don’t know, a few months ago. How long are you supposed to hold things, anyway?”
“Well, definitely less than ‘permanently forever.’”
Reduce your kids intake of sugary, fizzy drinks by shaking up the can before handing it to them.
My mother’s maiden name is Password.
Every kiss begins with ‘K’ I whisper quietly to myself as I read his one letter response to my last 7 text messages.
when ppl on here get in trouble they tweet ‘cute animal’ pictures
Maybe don’t show me a picture if you don’t want me to rate your baby.
Worst part of a corporate job is no tips. Someone should slip you a $20 if you write a killer email
My 4 year old asked if she could put makeup on me. I asked jokingly if she was going to “make me pretty,” to which she responded, dead serious, “you’re ALWAYS pretty, Mommy.” So I need to know where to get this child a unicorn do they have those on Amazon?