Little Mermaid remake: Ariel falls in love after seeing the tender way Prince Eric holds a fish in his Tinder profile.
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so you’re telling me a boot cut these jeans
My Christmas shopping will be financed by my swear jar again this year.
The best thing about working from home is having more time to ignore the huge pile of laundry that needs doing
are those elderberries?
[camera pans over to reveal a bunch of berries struggling to use the internet]
Me [eating an entire rotisserie chicken]: they say never go shopping hungry
My GF: we’re going to Lowe’s
Son, your father and I have something to tell you – you were adopted. Your new parents are waiting outside in the car.
I’m not sure what my wife thinks I do in the bathroom, but I appreciate all her support
My 6 year old told me to look in his room because someone stole his toys. When I looked, his room was the tidiest it has ever been with all toys put away. He then laughed and said “April fools! I pranked you!”
I thought PrintNightmare was when your boss caught you using the company photocopier to make your lost goldfish flyers.
You gotta admit Wile E. Coyote going through the entire process of making a movie just for it be scrapped as a tax write off is incredibly on brand for him.
Interviewer: Why do you think you’d make a good waiter?
Me: (says nothing)
Interviewer: are you…waiting?
Me: *nods*
Interviewer: holy shit
ME: haha when your mask is down it looks like a chinstrap beard
HER: what mask
ME: oh
Them: Who hurt you?
Me: *takes deep breath*
WIFE: *spells out words so the kids won’t know what she is saying*
ME: [to the kids] I don’t know either.
[on a first date]
“Have [gestures across the whole menu] whatever you want. I hear the McRib is particularly excellent this time of year.”
I quit my job yesterday. Lucky for me I didn’t tell anybody and I was able to go to work this morning when I got up
Grandma: ‘And that’s how me and your grandfather chose the colour of toaster in our first home’
Me: ‘So you haven’t seen my scarf?’
My son’s field trip consent form lists walkmans & radios under ‘Optional items.’ Where the hell are they going, 1989??
Me: I’m 29, I’m not that old! I have my whole life ahead of me.
Me around a 20 year old: I am the grim spectre of death. I have seen empires rise and fall like the endless shifting dunes. Time has no meaning.
The opposite of having in-laws over is having outlaws over which is also a lot like having in-laws over.
“you look nervous” thanks i’ve been practicing my whole life
I’m an asshole.
Sent from my Apple Watch
[Listening to Natalie Imbruglia’s ‘Torn’ while warm, unashamed, standing fully clothed on the ceiling] I can’t relate to this
And this song would come on and all the white people would start having a group seizure.
Me explaining the Harlem shake to my grand kids.
took a DNA test and found out all my ancestors were also tired
*slides $5 to the funeral director*
Maybe you can get me the widow’s phone number?
When the priest reads my eulogy, I want the first line to be “Personally, I never liked this asshole”.