My house looks like I’m losing a game of Jumanji.
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*does the Dirty Dancing lift with a slab of ribs*
cause of death:
autopsy.
Fun prank:
Ladies, if your man ever asks “who’s your daddy?” During sex, throw him off by screaming “You’re not my real dad!”
Friend: what are u doing
Me: training my pet rock
Friend: that’s dumb
Pet Rock: *leaps from my hand & hits him in the face*
Me: no rocky, no
I’m getting excited that my kid’s birthday is coming up…
mostly because I really need to replenish my gift bag stash.
Sorry, but your kids don’t look adorable when they lose their teeth, they look like tiny homeless people.
Pretty sure I know what my wife’s getting me for my birthday cause when I guessed, “A 3-way?” she got all angry like I ruined the surprise.
Pilot: “Attention passengers, our engines have failed. We may not make it.”
Me, still wearing parachute pants since the 80s: “I KNEW this day would come!”
I have one of those signs in my house that says:
“Sorry for the mess,
We are making memories of mom being pissed off because we can’t listen the first 7 times to clean up our shit.”
Luigi: You got your own land, world & galaxy. Can I have Mario Mansion?
Mario: ok fine [under breath] gonna put a bunch of ghosts in it tho
It turns out if you balance your checkbook when you’re drunk you have a lot more money.
“Mommy! We made pancakes!” and other terrifying things unsupervised children say.
My coworker replaced her chair with an exercise ball to “work her core.”
I’m eating a giant chocolate chip cookie for breakfast.
I win.
Why enunciation matters:
9yo: so this guy came to school and pulled a python out of his boxers
Me: WHAT THE HELL?!???
9yo: …BOXES!
Marriage isn’t between a man and a woman. It’s between a person who is certain they closed the garage door and a person who is certain they did not close the garage door.
getting home from the airport opening my bag to find nothing but 99 packs of frozen hotdogs. one missing
[tsunami approaches]
Me: At last I will feel oblivion’s sweet embrace.
Tsunami (inexplicably reversing): I have a boyfriend.
Day 218 of making fun of CrossFit.
every grocery store becomes an escape room if you see someone you know
Me: What do you want to do tonight?
Husband: I was thinking we could do what all those young people talk about and Netflix and —
Me: *already asleep*
Flight attendant: Can I get you something to drink?
Me: What kind of gravy do you have?
Insane if literal: last Christmas I gave you my heart
[Lori Loughlin trial]
JUDGE: Does the defence have any witnesses?
LAWYER: We’d like to call Jesse Katsopolis
JUDGE: Isn’t he a fictional character?
LAWYER: Yes, your honor
JUDGE: Is he just gonna act hunky and say, “Have Mercy”?
LAWYER: Yes, your honor
JUDGE: I’ll allow it
– “I love Beyoncé…
– Whatever floats your boat dude.
– No, you’re thinking of ‘buoyancy’.
– …”
[invention of Moist Towelette]
So, we’ve got a product that everyone will use, now let’s give it a name nobody wants to say
This is your gentle reminder that one time in the Bible Elijah was like “God, I’m so mad! I want to die!” so God said “Here’s some food. Why don’t you have a nap?” So Elijah slept, ate, & decided things weren’t so bad. Never underestimate the spiritual power of a nap & a snack.
I’m really disappointed in Shaq for not having his own tequila called Shaquila.
i like dropping bombshells on my therapist in the last few minutes so it feels like we’re ending each session on a cliffhanger
1 in 5 mammals is a bat. Re-examine everything you think you know about your “loved ones.”
No friends? What about those visits to your place from Amazon and FedEx?