Why do paintings of people centuries ago never show pimples? Ur telling me these people who drank shit water and took baths 2x a decade had clear skin?
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kid: dad how do you make a bubble?
me: well son you take an asset, and you give people a reason to value that asset at a much higher price than it’s intrinsic worth, thus triggering speculative investments-
kid: *puts away bubble blower and soap*
[During Sex]
“Hurry up, this isn’t really my house.”
At the intermission of musicals there should be a very short football game
Grandma used the same wrapping paper for 25 years, so don’t tell me about the great ‘bargain’ you found.
[at bar]
Him: Why’s a pretty girl like you sitting all alone?
Me: I peed my pants.
You just found Jesus?
The rule is if no one claims him in 30 days you can keep him.
Are Millennials Destroying My Wife’s Favorite Lamp I Don’t Know How They Got in Either but I Definitely Wasn’t Practicing Karate in the Living Room so We Know It Wasn’t That
If you watch Scooby-Doo backwards its about some kids helping a business owner enter a costume contest then minding their own business.
Facebook is down, so don’t say prayer doesn’t work.
If you feel hopeless about the world and your place in it, I can recommend something. Turn off all electronic devices, close your eyes, and sit still for 5 minutes. It won’t help, but now you’re 5 minutes closer to being dead and not having to worry about it.
there’s a lot of rumors going around about me about how I exaggerate the number of rumors going around about me
Magician: Abracadabra!
[cloud of smoke as woman volunteer disappears]
Husband (stands up): YES! …I mean, noooo. *quietly sits down*
it’s fun to mess with teachers by training your kids to review books with terms like “sophomoric” and “pedestrian”
my mother has a medical podcast where she self diagnoses her ailments it’s called my voicemail and it happens every morning at 9 am.
Me: My heartburn is out of control
Dr: Are you still taking your meds
Me: Yes I take them every morning with my 1st pot of coffee
Dr: (exhaling loudly)
When someone RTs me, I get as excited as I used to when I was ten and I got mail
It’s true. Losing one sense enhances others.
For example, you lost your sense of humor but your sense of entitlement is through the roof.
[being strapped to a medieval torture table]
“tbh not what I thought you meant when you said you were going to show me a nice rack”
Beware of the “party goblin”…
I’m fine with you not liking my tweets, as I’m adult enough to deal with it. Also, your moms a whore.
Me: Are you ready for your spelling test?
6-year-old: I know all the words.
Me: Good.
6: Just not all the letters in them.
When someone tries to tell me they can’t do something, I’m like “you ever hear of the Power of Grayskull?”
Amazing that the townspeople didn’t like Belle what with her waking up every day and calling them a bunch of simple idiots
GENIE: you have one wish. choose wisely
ME: i wish i was only 14 inches tall so that when i hold a knife it looks like i’m wielding a huge ass sword
GENIE: your wish is granted. why didn’t you just wish for a sword though
ME: oh yeah damn
Him: Hi
Me: I bet you say that to all the girls
Told my landlord I was leaving for Los Angeles and he’s being very supportive
Him: Sometimes I worry about you.
Me: Yeah, I worry about me, too.
Warner Bros named him Bugs Bunny because he was absolutely riddled with lice
pretty messed up how “what are you weaknesses” is an acceptable question in job interviews but not on first dates