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I haven’t seen a kid on a leash in a while. I guess parents started releasing them back into the wild.
There should be a “Life of Pi” TV show, where they throw a different D-list celebrity in a boat with a tiger every week.
My shower head has 2 settings; remove top layer of skin, or wash away sins.
Don’t take me camping because if I see a bear, I will hug that bear.
me: got any weekend plans?
me: gonna get chubby
me: yah me too
Obama keeps trying to get me to kiss this top secret document from Syria but I keep telling him I’m not the kinda guy who’ll kiss intel
Doing math together is known as fourplay.
A vegan walks into a bar and doesn’t say anything because the person who has never seen star wars is going on about never seeing star wars.
Look picnics, if I wanted to spend three hours protecting my food with a spork, I’d just go to prison.
We just joined a gym and they asked me to pick a 4 digit member number and I opened my mouth and my husband said, “I stg if you use your bank pin.”
I was, in fact, going to use my bank pin💀
[Arguing with a guy over who’s tougher]
*takes toothpick from mouth* “When I started chewing this it was a full grown spruce.”
Having a heart-to-heart with our zoo’s laundry team about using our mooses’ antlers as drying racks.
You shouldn’t sneak up on me like that, it’s rude!
Cop –
So ! Technically it’s YOUR fault I was speeding, because I didn’t see you
“GRAAAAAAIIIINNNNS” — Vegetarian Zombie
Writing “Omg you guys are still friends after what she said about you???” on every group photo of girls I see on Instagram
ME: careful there is a bee on that tree lim
WIFE: limb has a b at the end
ME: i literally just said that diane
My kids dressed in various parts of different Halloween costumes.
Husband: What are they?
Me: Happy, so I’m not asking any questions
It only looks like my kids are having popsicles for breakfast, Brenda, those are clearly frozen smoothies
The 2nd amendment gives us the right to bear arms and the 8th amendment gives us the right to horse legs
When is gay marriage gonna lead to dog marriage as promised? I’m ready to settle down
I don’t usually sing Adele, but when I do, it’s usually on the toilet in the middle stall in the men’s washroom at work.
I hope 2016 doesn’t get renewed. The plot is ridiculous and none of the characters are likable.
Sometimes I feel doomed in dating, but then a random internet man with a profile pic of Deadpool writes “that’s cause u havent been with me yet ;)” and I am filled with joy and hope
guy in the stall next to me at this bar is ordering a pizza on the phone & I now realize my commitment to pizza is severely lacking
sorry not a big fan what other vegetables do you have on the cob
So I just killed a huge spider running across the floor with my shoe.
I don’t care how big the spider is, no one steals my shoe.
If you’re under the age of 25, you have no rights in saying: Back in the day.
You haven’t seen the light of day, kiddo.
Just told my dog to say goodnight to his brother, the houseplant
My daughter is pissed because I made her miss a forensics club meeting for a dentist appointment and the way she’s staring at me suggests that she’s plotting a way to use her forensic knowledge on me.
Meteorologists are always talking about the weather and hardly ever about meteors.