“astrology isn’t real” bro we’re on a spinning rock and we have to pay for water. nothing is “real”.
You Might Also Like
Thinking of opening a new deli in India but I have no idea what to call it.
spouse: what are you doing
me: i’m writing a pilot
spouse: oh that’s so cool 🙂
me: thanks *starts typing* dear han, so who really shot first?
Judge: Your word is “Behemoth”
Contestant: Can you use it in a sentence please?
Me: *knocking judge out of the way* Half nocturnal, flying insect. Half human. Be he moth or be he man?!
Other judge: Security
Me: THE WORLD DESERVES TO SEE MY FILM!!
Why would I go see a scary movie when I can watch my husband using a metal spatula on my Teflon pan
Some people wear a big oversize coat and a woolly hat, and look trendy. I wear a big oversize coat and a woolly hat, and look homeless.
This lesbian couple nailed their pregnancy announcement
“Can you explain this gap in your resume?”
Me: [sitting on a toadstool, blowing smoke rings] whooooo areeeee youuuuuu
{At funeral}
*holding widows hand* I’m sorry for your loss. He had so much updog
“What’s updog?”
*pats her hand* Not much what’s up with you
Back to school sale prices are so cheap. I’m getting all of my Christmas shopping done.
25 cent rulers for everyone!
i’m sure it’s fine, you just gotta shake it up a bit
It’s hard eating this ramen with chopsticks. The broth keeps spilling on the steering wheel.
16: ‘We should put a flat screen on the wall!’
Wife: ‘I really don’t like mounting things.’
Me: *mumbles ‘No shit.’
W: ‘What was that??’
If I’m flirting, you’ll know it by how uncomfortable you become.
I’d love to put a timer on how long it takes you to turn the conversation back to you but my stopwatch app doesn’t do tenths of a second.
Welcome to parenthood, WHY ARE THE SCISSORS NOT IN THE GODDAMN DRAWER??
My boyfriend and I got couples tattoos today!!!!
PLEASE do not tell my husband
strongly relate to the honey cake’s needs
Are people with googly eyes better at searching for stuff?
yes, sharks can outswim you. but you can outrun sharks. so far in a triathlon you’re square. all comes down to who’s the faster cyclist
Me: I had a dream we went shopping at Target.
Husband: How much did we spend?
Me:
Husband: HOW MUCH DID WE SPEND?!
*Watching a commercial where someone is rock climbing*
*Do not attempt flashes across the screen*
Me: *hasn’t left the couch in 12 hours*
“Okay.”
You ever wonder what life would be like if you didn’t overthink everything? I think about it all the time
Whomever receives my blood, coagulations. Fastest indicator will be the unnatural pull to mustard pretzels.
Asked the worker at the liquor store to help me pick out a bottle of bubbly and she handed me a “nice” $26 bottle, but then I said it was for when my in-laws came over and she took it out of my hands and replaced it with a $12 bottle.
Pro tip:
Singing “Into the great wide open” is never ok during sex
When my son gets uppity, I like to remind him that I’m totally nailing his mom.
[giving mother in law my famous salad dressing recipe over the phone] 1 part vinegar, then *bites lip so I don’t laugh* 2 parts baking soda
Funny Quote of the Day: “If your parents never had children, chances are… neither will you.” – Dick Cavett
It appears that late last night someone broke into the house and ate all the ice cream in the freezer. I’ve volunteered to lead the investigation but I doubt we’ll ever find the guy who did it
The internet is undefeated.. 😂