We got caught Brian, just act normal..
You Might Also Like
Watermelon. The fruit that comes with a workout.
Girl, if you’re into rocks, I promise you’ll be
Sure I get excited when he unzips his pants. I’m pretending it’s the sound of his body bag.
People say you’re judged by the company you keep. Luckily, I don’t keep any company.
Cop: My informant told me where the killer is
Chief: Nice. Did he give you a name?
Cop: No chief *frowns* my parents did that
I’m quitting drinking for a year.
*I’m quitting. Drinking for a year.
Sorry, punctuation is everything.
“if I can play devils advocate for a second” bro just let me talk to the devil himself u are sooo annoying
how do we expect our kids to learn from our mistakes when we’re still out there buying too many bananas just like our parents did
Lot of big talk about using time machines for murder by people who do no murdering at all in the here and now.
I’m not saying boys make things harder and messier than girls but I watched my son make a root beer float last night pouring the root beer in first so I’m not not saying it.
found a twenty in my purse then channeled jesus and turned it into wine at the nearest liquor store.
I think we should send notes to our bosses like when we were in school seeing if your crush liked you but it’s “will you give me the raise I deserve check yes or no”
They say swans mate for life but I bet if I gave a swan enough tequila I could totally get it to cheat.
Sharks would be a lot less scary if they had ears.
WIFE: can you fold the clothes in the dryer?
ME: *climbing in* I can try
I hate to brag but I’ve had numerous women fake their own death to get out of a relationship with me.
My sex drive has a dui
So HR says it’s “unacceptable” to bring my lunch in a bottle and that vodka “isn’t soup”
First Date RED FLAGS:
He brings a bottle of his mom’s perfume and asks you to put some on
Someone needs to reimagine Dracula as a sugar glider
kidnapper: [on the phone] pay the ransom to get your son back
dad: oh god let me talk to him
kidnapper: very well
dad: son listen money doesn’t grow on trees
The average person eats 8 spiders a year
*eating 2nd bowl of spiders*
“WHO’S AVERAGE NOW DAD?”
‘I’ve never done this on a first date before’ I say as I start vacuuming his place
Is that all?
“I wanna stab you.”
Huh?
“Cut your throat.”
What?
“Drink your blood.”
Um.
“Have your baby.”
Uh.
“Kidding! I’ll have a coke.”
I basically have three hairstyles.
1. Straight
2. Wavy
3. Homeless
today a younger coworker was trying to think of the name of a singer from the olden days and yup anyway the person she was trying to remember was Mariah Carey
birthday cake is the only thing that someone can blow and spit on, yet, everybody wants a slice?
[sitting in dentist’s chair]
Dentist: get out of my living room
Women and electronics aren’t very similar until they both freak out on you for throwing water on them while they’re in “sleep mode”.
Husband: Are we going to start eating healthier?
Me: Absolutely!
Husband: So burgers and fries for dinner tonight?
Me: Absolutely!