If you’re intermittent fasting and only eating one meal a day, that meal can be cake, right?
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Doctor: we saved your dad but he’s part owl now
Son: Dad it’s me
Dad: *head turned 180°* who
Son: very funny
Doctor: yeah he has amnesia too
Gym employee: Sorry ma’am, but to cancel your membership you have to come in & fill out paperwork.
Me:*sigh* FINE. Where are you located?
What do we want?
SNACKS!When do we want em?
AFTER DINNER!– kids.
would’ve started saving money in kindergarten if I knew life was gone be like this
Please stop calling it carpal tunnel syndrome. It sounds pathetic and weak . What I have is gamer stigmata
TORTURER: *panicking as he’s waterboarding SpongeBob* he’s just getting bigger
Science: Domesticated dogs are most closely related to gray wolves.
My dog: please break this treat into much smaller pieces
You know you’re old when you get a “You up?” text….
And it’s 8:25 p.m.
Your cat doesn’t love you. If it were bigger it would eat you.
If two women are fighting, put them in the bathroom. Women get along very well in bathrooms
Me: I got a job interview next week.
Wife: Great news. You should update your wardrobe.
Me: Okay.. *to the wardrobe* I got a job interview next week.
It’s called “personal grooming” as though we might get confused and groom a total stranger.
3am
Brain: What if all cats are named Meow and all dogs are named Woof and they’re just correcting us when we call them by the names we gave them?
This girl from my hometown just named her baby Brogan and everyone just let it happen
Got some shoes from a drug dealer , I don’t know what he laced them with coz I’ve been tripping all day.
Some of you should walk a mile in my shoes because then you would be a mile away from me and that would be fantastic. Keep the shoes
Me: What do you want to be when you grow up?
2-year-old: An eagle!
I’m going to save so much money on college.
89% of the time when my husband tells me I look great what he really means is “We needed to leave five minutes ago.”
Retweeting a woman is basically saying “that’s what she said”
We’re all getting idioter.
When someone asks “You know what I think?”, I say “Yes I do”. End of discussion.
The most important thing I learned from working at the bank is which lollipop flavor tastes the best.
If breaking a mirror brings 7 years of bad luck, does breaking a lightbulb bring 7 years of bad ideas?
Jesus: love your neighbor
Me: aw thanks, yours is also great
Human babies are 75% water at birth, a slightly higher water content than bananas and slightly less than fresh potatoes.
before you ask, yes, he can legally do this.
From now on when you see me use the word “variants” know that I’m referring to my children.
*falls down several flights of stairs, breaking multiple bones*
ME: *into headset mic* I’m in
met this girl online and we’ve been talking for a few weeks… what yall think? 😏😏