My husband is blaming the cat for eating all the cookies and putting the empty package back in the cabinet. Ffs🙀
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Do you want to taunt a snowman?
I’ve now had my account locked and been forced to change my password so many times it is up to: password1234567
Ignoring your kids has become so easy thanks to smart phones. My poor dad spent 18 years staring blankly into space pretending not to hear any question I ever asked, and I don’t know if I’d have that same level of commitment.
If a peanut butter cookie between two chocolate chip cookies is considered a sandwich, then I may have had a sandwich or two for lunch.
My wife asked me about the Oxford comma and now she wants me to go back to my usual brooding silence.
When I say someone is a good doctor it’s entirely based on the strength of their waiting room Wi-Fi.
A mechanical frog is called a ribot.
Sorry I haven’t said anything in a while
I have all of the qualities men want in an ex-wife and none of the ones they want in a girlfriend.
Hate when I zone out while someone’s talking to me and they have the nerve to ask me a question like I’m in 5th grade and they’re a teacher.
Being illiterate and having a girlfriend would be easy. They’d be like “did you get my text?” and you could just be like “I can’t read.”
Holiday anxiety is the most festive of all the anxieties.
[alphabet committee]
Boss: what are the vowels
Designer: a e i o and u
Boss: sometimes i think we need another one
Designer: why
Boss: ok
Can’t decide if I want to join a cult or a woodchipper.
Eventually we’ll all just have one app on our phones that electrocutes you when you stop looking at it.
Remember that time when we got trapped on a ski-lift for 4 days, then the acid wore off and we were just sitting on my grandmas porch-swing.
[8 AM]
Wife [walking into living room]: What time did you get up?
Me: 5 AM.
Wife: But it’s the weekend! WHY SO EARLY?!
Me [sipping coffee]: I’ve had 3 kid-free hours of silence.
Wife:
Me:
Wife: Why didn’t you wake me?
Me: Send prudes.
Her: Wait, did you mean nudes?
Me: What? Ew. No.
Just tell me how many calories are in the entire package and save me the trouble of doing all the multiplication.
[in bed]
BF: Why are you scared?
ME: Cuz your Mom’s here
BF: She’s not bad
*Mom hands me pregnancy test* This better be positive by sunrise
Shouldn’t Spiderman have 4 more legs?
[Quarantine]
Day 1: I love the way your nose wrinkles when you’re happy.
Day 6: do you notice when you crack your toes like that?
Day 13: IT’S CALLED EATING NOT COMPETITIVE JAW CLICKING STFU WITH YOUR FACE NOISES
Most of Twitter could probably use a good bop on the nose with a rolled up newspaper
always carrying a megaphone in case you have to sigh at someone far away
Pregnancy is so weird. It’s, like, “Who’s that in my belly? It’s Brad. He’s going to drive a used Buick one day.”
“ur password is weak” well so is my memory so please let me keep it
JOB INTERVIEWER: Talk about a time when a big project of yours didn’t work out as you hoped
ME: Well I got two English degrees
3 unravelled an entire toilet roll when I wasn’t looking so I wrapped him in it, stood him in the corner of the bathroom and told him to spin round slowly when someone needs to use it
Theravada Monks purge all their earthly possessions to express their faith and pursue spiritual stillness of mind. I did it because fleas.
*needs a hug
*taps car brakes a little too hard so the seatbelt locks upNice.
The coolest thing about dating Mystique from the X-men is the unlimited free food samples she can get for you at Costco