[describing a chair] it’s like a swing without all the drama
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[Watching Star Trek with my date]
ME: *leans in* It’s called Star Trek but the stars don’t actually go anywhere.
me: [trying to cheat in an exam]
teacher: I’m married
Walked in on my 5yo absolutely destroying his punching bag so I’m not even gonna ask him what kind of day he had at school today.
There are probably fewer bees around now because a lot of them are still in prison for murdering Macaulay Culkin in My Girl
Baby on board is probably the worst idea for charcuterie out there
The three genders.
“Hi, my daughter will be late to school because she can zip up her jacket by herself.”
“Dave’s coming for dinner tonight.”
“Dave from work or Dave who misquotes Disney…?”
[from outside]
“…hakuna banana.”
my boyfriend told me he would not love if I were a worm. Which wouldn’t bother me except for the fact that I didn’t ask
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Shhh!-Librarians arguing
they really do be looking like this
Me: Congrats! I heard you got married again
Her: Sorry I didn’t invite you. It was a small ceremony
Me: Its ok. I’ll go to your next one
You know you’re getting older when the person telling you to slow down is you’re doctor, not a cop.
It’s so sad when you have to tell the person you love that you’ve already seen the post they’re showing you
Thanks to ChristianMingle, I met the woman I will put through a terrifying emotional rollercoaster before I finally come out of the closet.
Happy Father’s day to all the dads out there trying to keep the front door closed so u don’t AIR CONDITION THE WHOLE NEIGHBORHOOD. COME ON
I’m watching a lot of videos about ancient Rome and one thing that kills me every time is one historical figure getting mad at another and having to sustain that anger for several months as they travel across Italy to confront them
Dog: *sneezes*
Me: “God bless you.”
Dog: “I thought you were an atheist.”
Me: “Since when can you talk?”
Dog: …
Me: …
Dog: “Thank you.”
Me: “That’s better.”
Teamwork makes the dream work.
“So how did you get into Classical Music?”
Me:
50% of fatherhood is repeating yourself.
Other 50% is untangling your kid from the shirt stuck on their head cause you didn’t unbutton it.
police sketch artist: you sure his ears were this long
me: i thought we were doing a silly one
My fitness instructer keeps asking if I squat.
No Gary..I rent. I’m not a hobo.
I met my wife online. We’ve been married four years and have a girl, a troll and lovely twin bots.
witch 1: i can’t find my broom
witch 2: that’s fine i can drive a stick
If Donald Trump becomes President,
The rest of us should be able to just walk into any hospital & start working as doctors
would’ve started saving money in kindergarten if I knew life was gone be like this
I rank my kids by how many chores they do and how much they complain.
My favorite child is the Roomba.