CEO: we’re shutting down 60 offices to save $$ and everyone will work at home.
me: cool. do i get a bigger raise next year then?
CEO: haha no. but we will give you your office chair for free
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ME: *training a street fighter* Show your enemy no quarter.
THEM: It’s an arcade game tournament.
ME: Show your enemy two quarters.
My muffin top has become a full blown birthday cake.
I cut the size tags out of my clothes because I disagree.
😂 amazing answer
When kids ask for a lollipop after a haircut it’s fine, but apparently when an adult asks for one after “doing a really good job sitting” it’s frowned upon. Unfair.
[date]
ME: ur jacket goes well with ur purse
HER: *sits down* see it’s not hard to be complimentary
ME: u mean complementary
HER: *gets up*
After Captain America was thawed from the ice, his first encounter with a Japanese-American must’ve been really awkward.
I bet when spiders see those fake green cob webs on Halloween they must be like “Ugh, tourists”.
-Brain: Too expensive, you’ll never wear it. Don’t buy this dress.
-Heart: But what are you going to wear if someone takes you to a ball in their castle in France?
Senility is the pits. Spent an hour driving around the mall parking lot looking for my car.
Mormon: Want to hear about my religion?
Me: I already know. There can be only 1
Him: That’s Highlander
Me: Come back when you have swords
When you’re in the shower, and you hear loud thumps and you think
“THEY’RE KILLING MY FAMILY, AND I’LL HAVE TO FIGHT THE ATTACKER NAKED”
My dog just kicked open my bedroom door like I owe her rent.
Never debate an idiot. Idiots never know when they’ve lost. That’s one of the reasons they’re idiots.
YouTube is a dangerous place for kids. There’s a lot of filthy stuff they could stumble upon like videos on how to make slime
I bought a witch cauldron type-thingy today.
I dunno what compelled me to do it, but here I am, hovering over it with a dash of coriander.
One time I overheard my coworker answer a question with ‘I don’t know, I was in Prague’ so that’s my go to now whenever I don’t have the answer to a question.
A new study says vegetarians
die younger than smokers, on average, so don’t smoke your vegetables…
No one:
My brain: the word ‘platitude’ kinda just sounds like a platypus with an attitude
I’m sorry I slapped you but you didn’t seem like you would ever stop talking and I panicked.
Imagine a baby named Edith. Exactly, you can’t because everyone named Edith quietly emerged from the woods at age 78 knitting an incredibly complicated afghan.
You: I’m combining breakfast and lunch. Brunch.
Me: I’m combining wine and dinner. Winner
My welcome mat says, “Oh shit! Not you again!”
me: WTF all the shelves are empty
sales guy: yeah this is Ikea
Just called the number of a guy I met last night and a pizza place answered. I didn’t even know you could live in pizza places. I’m in love!
The most disappointing sentence in the human language is “This next song is off of our new album”.
PERSON: Want a slice?
ME: No thanks, trying to eliminate bread
P: From your diet?
M [having sworn to destroy all bread]: Sure…from my diet
tourist season
P: …
M: …
P: Coal?
M: I was trying to make a diamond.
Proctologist: But that’s not how…
Me: I’m very uptight.
“What if Waldo finds me first?” I ask naively. Grandma closes the book; the blood drains from her face. “Don’t let that happen,” she warns.