If my dog knew how many photos I have of him sleeping, he’d file a restraining order against me.
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Really wish my phone wouldn’t autocorrect my old timey piano slang. Had to explain to my mom that I didn’t spend all morning “tickling the ovaries”.
is this store having a stroke wtf
When I retire I’m going to run from office.
Stand by me.
I need someone to blame for this air biscuit.
Customer care: Your call is important to us, please hold on.
Customer: *completes graduation* *gets a job* *gets married* *gets old* *dies*
When my nudes go to the cloud I always hope God is impressed.
My wife went to dinner with her cousin, and is supposed to bring me home some dessert. She should have been home an hour ago, and I’m starting to get a little worried about my cake.
Birth certificates need a popup dialog box: “Are you SURE you want to spell your kid’s name that way?”
I’m at my sexiest when I try to run in flip flops in the rain.
[Quarantine, Day 5]
Me: Amelia, push my afternoon meetings this conference call is running long
My daughter’s Amelia Bedelia doll wearing a Bluetooth:
another case of gang violins
Turbulence is just God’s little way of telling us we’re NOT BIRDS.
Stops eating carbs and loses 25 pounds in 3 months.
Starts eating carbs and gains 25 pounds in 3 days.
“Can I maim myself with it?” – my toddler’s mental checklist before deciding to play with something
I want to make fun of kanye but I’m always losing my shit on the internet too.
It feels mighty hypocritical.
My buddy’s wife put him on a strict diet, so now I earn money by selling him Reese’s through the back door.
My wife sends me home improvement TikToks and says these projects “would be so easy” for me to do so I started sending her the elaborate “simple” cooking ones and now we’ve reached an uncomfortable truce.
LIFE HACK: If you want to remember something write it upside down on the back of your underwear waistband. You’ll see it when you’re pooping
My mom remembers exactly what she was doing when Elvis died but can’t remember my name half the time, my birthday, or who my dad is.
Every morning, I jog around my block 15 times. Then I pick the block up and put it back with the rest of it’s little Lego friends.
“I’m hungry” Fridge: “I got nothin.” Cabinet: “Bitch, don’t look at me.” Freezer: “LOL. You like ice?”
I’m not like all those other girls
*regurgitates a seagull*
I know this intervention is serious business but I see absolutely no snacks here.
Pro-tip: The best way to keep people away from you in public is to carry a clipboard. People fear the living shit out of clipboards.
The real miracle is that the human race still exists after being stupid enough to kill the guy who could turn water into wine…
Idiots.
I create my own luck. Also, my own problems. I’m very creative.
Why do they even bother having different brands of milk?
Curious George Turns Off Google Image Safe Search
Parenting is easy once you learn the secret. For the love of god, please tell me the secret.
Tall people are my favourite because I can grab them by the torso and shake them like a tree