*at the bakery*
Baker: “I’m sorry. We’re out of buns, but we have other baked goods.”
Me, with my pet anaconda: “Listen, hun…”
You Might Also Like
My sister’s birthday cake 🤣
{after 1st date}
Her: *texts* I left my keys in your car. Locked out. It’s freezing.Me: *waits 3 days to reply so I don’t look desperate
Daughter: I drew a picture of you
Me: where’s my big muscles?
Daughter: *looks at me up and down* good question
Hey, does anyone know how to stop eating chips?
*returning snake to the pet store* my hamsters won’t come out of this tunnel
If I know one thing for sure it’s that nobody has ever looked back on their life and wished they’d eaten more celery.
At least I can garauntee that if I’m murdered nobody is going to pull that whole, ‘She lit up a room’ crap.
So it turns out that you can’t use Cool Whip as shaving cream, apparently.
Narrator: Ursula needed 3 stitches in an undisclosed location.
Let’s cut to the chase babe. I’ve only got a few DMs left.
Pretty sad that if you want to hit people in the knees with a hammer your career options are limited to doctor or enforcer for the mob.
*Me at a fitness consult
Trainer: you need to cut way back on carbs
Me: what am I supposed to melt my cheese on?
Trainer:
Me : where are you going?
Shenanigans are the females of the nanigan species.
14 sent a text asking me to pick her up from school and added “not in your pajamas” so I’m wearing hers because good moms listen
I would request a bunch of Ambien as my last meal so I would look hardcore as hell by falling asleep at my own execution
Maybe Bowser is mad at Mario because he’s terrible at plumbing, flooded with castle with lava, and left exposed unfinished pipes everywhere…
I’m going to open a food truck that sells chicken sandwiches. Park it next to Chick-fil-A and open it only on Sundays
It will be called Side Chick.
Interviewer: How would you describe yourself?
Me: Verbally. But I’ve also prepared a dance.
“There’s a creepy bleeding witch who doesn’t look friendly. She has cheese though.”
– my husband, deciding whether to interact with a character in a video game
“911, what’s the emergency?”
we were robbed. they stole the wireless router
“calm down”
also they shot my grandma or something. not sure
As a parent my favourite part of the weekend is Monday.
Arkansas is just Kansas for pirates.
He told me I cut my steak like a serial killer, so I whispered “What makes you think this is steak?” While I stroked his thigh with a knife.
Parenting Tip: Wear clothing with pockets so you can flip off your children inconspicuously.
PAROLE BOARD: And what would you do if released?
ME: Crimes.
PB: Excuse me?
ME: *leans into mic* RHYMES. I’M SUPER INTO POETRY NOW.
*Passing the same coworker in the hallway more than once:
Don’t look at me, I already said “Hi” to you.
My dandruff is so bad, I leaned over the fish tank. They thought it was feeding time.
*starts slow clap*
*Clap. Clap. Clap. Clap*
“Sir, your pizza will be ready in 15 minutes!”
*slow claps for 15 minutes*
HOW TO JOG:
1. Put on jogging outfit.
2. Go outside.
3. Imagine a cow galloping down the street.
4. Try to milk that cow.
*seductively tries to take off sock with his other foot*
[ day 2 of self quarantine ]
me: i’m bored
my cat: have you tried dropping something into a shoe