*snaps wife’s nighttime eye mask*
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not to brag but i don’t need alcohol to send texts i’ll regret
Today a guy at the bus stop said, “Lovely weather, huh?” and I just started running cuz I didn’t know the answer.
Museum Philanthropy: We stole all this shit, now you can look at it.
*suddenly pulls away from kissing* BUT WHERE DOES THE STORK GET THE BABY FROM?!?
My husband knew I’d never wear slippers because that’s where spiders lay their eggs and he still married me so I think that makes him the weirdo
me: [nervously] how often do these things crash
flight attendant: just once usually
You telling me these scissors are for rock paper?
Last night I slept for 8 hours straight, and then for 2 hours gay.
this is what they would have looked like, though
shiny bag: THESE CHIPS ARE UNHEALTHY
matte bag: THESE CHIPS ARE FROM A FARM AND GOD LOVES THEM
She really didn’t have nine lives, just one very stubborn life that wouldn’t go away.
Dad: It’s atomic number is 26. Oh, and it’s chemical symbol is FE
Son: Wow! How do you know so much about iron?
Dad: Well it’s in my blood
BUZZ ALDRIN: I spy, with my little eye, something beginning with E.
NEIL ARMSTRONG: Earth?
BUZZ: Nope
*5 minutes silence*
BUZZ: OK, yep.
WW2 started from a game of telephone when Hitler said ” I hate shoes”
Me: Shut the door, I need privacy
4y/o: But we’re family!
Me: Families don’t watch each other go poop
4:You watch me poop!
Me:…take a seat
I’m not above selling your kidney or my oldest child for a phone charger. I mean, if it came down to it. Not just like for fun.
i am going as a ‘credit card’ to this halloween party, cause i plan on being used irresponsibly.
I was at the shops & the woman in front of me was asking where the cucumbers were
The assistant came back with a small cucumber & she said “yes I saw that but I want a big one” & I actually said out loud “that’s what she said” & yes I think I spend too much time on the Twitter
Friend: Don’t come on too strong is my dating tip.
[At the restaurant]
Her: Can you pass the salt, please?
Me: Sorry, it’s too heavy.
The Police asked me to make a statement so I stripped naked and ran around the precinct shouting, “Save the whales!”
[run into an old classmate]
Them: You’ve gained a little weight.
Me: You’ve stayed ugly.
Based on a tumblr post by fartgallery!
Captcha: Click on every photo of a real tunnel
Wile E Coyote: oh no
Billy: Hi! What’s your name?
Johnny: Johnny.
B: Hey, what’s THAT?
J: An iPhone 4.
Mom: Who’s your new friend, Billy?
B: Johnny. He’s poor.
Made the mistake of laughing at something my 7yo said and thus entered into a 72-hour hell spiral of listening to him repeat the same joke over and over and over and over…
me: I’d like one mcdouble please
employee: sir, this is a Burger King
me: ok one mcdouble please, ur majesty
Our system is shit. I’m 24 and only have two years left on my moms health insurance. Then, I have to find a new mother
Whoever said you cannot live off of wine and cheese alone did not try hard enough.
They make SAVORY soup now? No more dessert soup for me!
reply and i’ll guess how many slim jims you can carry without dropping