You see a Honda, a Toyota, a Chevy, and another Honda. I see four people who aren’t getting that parking space. Hang on.
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I might consider rejoining the Catholic church if the Pope knew karate. Otherwise forget it.
When someone says “everything happens for a reason,” I stab them and laugh, just so they know I understand.
if any of u nasty little cretins were even the least bit curious where i’m at right now i just tried to wipe a couple raindrops off my phone so they wouldn’t show up in a screenshot i was taking
Sam was having a great time at the party until someone next to him sneezed.
My God: dead.
My world: disenchanted.
My invitation on LinkedIn: declined.
I dream of writing a fat woman’s cookbook. I’ll call it, “50 Shades of Gravy.”
A walk in the woods helps me relax and release tension.
The fact that I’m dragging a body behind me should be irrelevant
I wrote a Facebook status asking what’s happening in Young Sheldon and then unfriended everyone who replied.
One time getting ready to go out to eat my dad told me not to wear jeans with any holes in them and I immediately responded by asking how I was going to put my feet in them and he seriously had a tear build up in one eye.
Relationship status:
Just kissed my cat and he got up and moved to the other end of the couch.
Me: mmm daddy, all up in there
Priest: it’s “our father who art in heaven”
okay run it by me one more time
saw a garbage truck with the tagline “our business stinks, but it’s picking up!” pretty good imo.
My life is like that Rihanna song :work, work and work, and then I don’t understand anything else.
[marriage counseling]
We just don’t see eye to eye
“Because you insist on wearing that stupid pirate hat”
YOU WILL ADDRESS ME AS CAPTAIN
Hubs sent me this text:
There’s no wrong way to tell the person you love that their beautiful.Me: *they’re.
I think people who use “go fly a kite” as an insult don’t really understand kites or insults.
I’m trying to convince this guy that ‘jesus is the reason for the season’ but loansharks have a different perspective
You undercook one turkey, and suddenly Thanksgiving can’t be at your house anymore.
-me giving holiday hosting advice
If you have slept with someone who sounds like Darth Vader breathing, you understand why it’s so great to sleep alone.
Me in HR: I wasn’t trying to be condescending… It’s just that the boss didn’t understand and I thought the puppets might make it clearer.
blood is thicker than water, which is my secret to winning the annual county fair gravy contest every year
who called it pissing in the woods and not toiletrees
The most valuable breed of cow are the Cash
When do zombies decide whether they’re gonna eat you or enlist you?
coworker relationships are crazy because we don’t hangout or talk outside of work, but i know you tried to poison your husband once
(Inception)
Leonardo DiCaprio: where’d he go?
me: *wakes up to pee for the 4th time*
HER: I’m from outside London.
ME: Nearly the entire world is outside London.
Just printed out 50 copies of today’s weather forecast to carry around with me today because I’m just not in the mood for small talk.
Twinkle twinkle little whore, close your legs they’re not a door.