somewhere, in an alternate universe
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This is the cutest stalk I’ve ever seen. The ear scratching is just the best 😂
“Go ahead, caller….”
“Mom, you have to stop answering your phone that way.”
honestly it’s up to you whether or not you refer to it as the Last Supper or the First Murder Mystery Dinner
The best part of my kid graduating was unsubscribing from the school’s text messages.
Spotify keeps trying to automatically lower my volume. I’m jamming Fireboy’s album fgs, to hell with my eardrums!!!
Ahh yes 2022, the 2021 of 2020
Finally, I can just walk around every day covered in feathers.
“Tim’s coming tonight”
“Tim with hooves for feet or Tim that likes to bang coconut halves together?”
[in the distance] clip-clop clip-clop
My son wanted to know what it was like to be a parent.
So I woke him at 2am to tell him my sock came off.
The Victoria’s Secret models should use their wings to fly to a food source.
My daughter asked if she could marry her brother when she got older and I was SO uncomfortable because I was NOT ready to tell her about Alabama yet
Son: I need a suit for Pledge Night at the Fraternity.
Me: I’ll take you suit shopping.
[suit shopping]
Me [realizing the cheapest suit is $700]: Can’t you just wear a toga?
ME: Hi. I’m in the gym parking lot.
HUSBAND: That’s great! Are you finally working out?
ME: No. My car broke down. Can you come pick me up? This place is really scary.
GENIE 1: he wanted money so i made him a bank robber, ha
GENIE 2: i just…gave mine money
GENIE 1: LMAO YOU GUYS, JERRY JUST GAVE IT TO HIM
Me [to my friends]: No one ever invites Gary out because he always has some strange contraption.
*Gary pole vaults past us*
ME: I wish I had antlers
GENIE: You’d look pretty weird being the only one w/ antlers
M: Fine, I wish everyone had antlers
G: Oka-
M: But my antlers are demonstrably superior
G: You know you can wish for non-antler things
M: *Sees my awful neighbor Carl* I wish his antlers sucked
My daugjter just ruined Toy Story for ever. She said if one of the toys died Andy wouldnt know and he’d carry on playing with its corpse
I don’t trust any company that has a commercial with happy employees in it.
Sometimes I feel like my dog is deeply disappointed in my lack of concern about the potential dangers of allowing our neighbors walk by our house
Why do they lock gas station bathrooms? Are they afraid someone might accidentally clean them?
It’s almost Mother’s Day.
Big shout out to the hamsters that eat their young.
My kid’s teacher asked me to text her if we were going to be late and I was like it’ll be a lot easier if we text you when we’re going to be on time
If I’m ever in jail my one call is going to be to the Koolaid guy.
Don’t hand me the good china. That’s a leap of faith you’ll regret.
I was having a shitty Thursday. Then my ex texted me. Now I’m having a shitty Valentine’s Day as well.
Girlfriend: I’m breaking up with you
Me: is it because make up phrases
Girlfriend: yes
Me: well the spider didn’t warm the egg for it just to hatch
Girlfriend: I have no idea what you’re talking about
ME: being single again is great
FRIEND: really? what did you have for dinner
ME: alfredo sauce
FRIEND: on?
ME: … a plate
Uber, but for someone coming to your house and opening jars when you’re mad at your spouse.
Hot Hot Hot
My 5-year-old loves pickles so much that I have to cut her off like she’s some drunk dude at a bar, “you’ve had enough, buddy.”