Me: makes the painful yet responsible choice to face the day
Universe: Here’s an actual dead fly in your cup of coffee
You Might Also Like
Hey baby, I’m like Fred Flintstone I can really make your bed-rock. Also I live in a cave and don’t have any electricity
“Do you smoke the devil’s lettuce?”
Mom, why the h*ck would I smoke coleslaw
Calm down check out guy, you don’t have to inspect my $20 so hard, If I was talented enough to make my own, I wouldn’t be in Quickie Mart..
*eating lawn mower parts*
what, it’s grass fed
My girlfriend told me I was getting sex today. Oops. I better not jinx it.
*knocks on morning wood*
I’ve been attacked by a +2 Petite Pike of Pernicious Pokiness, but otherwise my dentist is very nice.
“Have you tried drinking more water?”
is the new
“Have you tried turning your computer off and turning it back on again?”
of health advice.
EXECUTIVE: Calling our store “Bed & Bath” isn’t working. How can we take our branding to the next level?
BUZZ LIGHTYEAR: I have an idea…
Psssst. You guys. When Canada is sleeping we should sneak up there and remove the all the U keys from their keyboards.
The guy at DQ gave me an extra chicken strip so I guess it will be a June wedding
After searching every level of the parking deck, I’ve come to the conclusion that I will never remember where I parked my car, so looks like I’m gonna just have to buy another one and call it a day.
I have a date with a sexy, young doctor. Technically, it’s called an appointment. But whatever.
I’ll give up my thesaurus when you pry it from my frigid, frosty, frozen, cadaverous, lifeless, stiff, defunct extremities.
Arthur Conan Doyle: I have invented the greatest detective of all time
Agatha Christie: hold my tea
Doyle: … why does this tea taste funny
“I will look for you. I will find you. And I will kill you.” -Liam Neeson opening a Where’s Waldo book
Short skirts have a tendency to make men polite. Have you ever seen a man get on a bus ahead of one?
When people are making out in public make things even more awkward by applying chapstick and announcing you’re next
Neighbor: Oh your baby has beautiful big eyes!
My wife: Yeah, like his dad
Me: *Stares suspiciously at our gardener Sauron*
A nicer way to tell someone their breath stinks is to say “I’m bored, let’s go brush your teeth!”
I accidentally wore a red shirt to Target today and, long story short, I’m covering for Debbie this weekend.
i hate when guys cancel a date after i’ve already shaved and then i have to spend all that time gluing it back on
Ask a man if he’s critiquing your work…
Men Who Are Dating say: No, & compliment you.
Single Men say: Yes
Married Men: Try to hide
INTERVIEWER: Says here you do magic tricks?
ME: *hands him back his business card* Is this your card?
INTERVIEWER: holy shit
We need a ride home.
“I called a Gruber”
Don’t you mean an Uber?
[villain from 1988 Die Hard arrives in black Prius]
It’s nice that friends keep picking up my kids for play dates.
It’d be even nicer if they’d stop bringing them back home.
WIFE: I don’t like pre Christmas, mainly because I’m so bad at buying presents.
ME: You just put them on the counter and give the checkout person money, Sharon.
HER: I hate you.
wife: you forgot to take the garbage out
me: sorry. I’ll take 2 garbages out tonight
If I was a vampire, pretty sure I’d find a way to cover blood in cheese.
This may be my favorite dog video ever.