We need a name for our store that shows we’re on the cutting edge of technology.
“How about Radio Shack?”
Perfect.
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My wife said that I set up the baby monitor wrong. Apparently it’s not supposed to be duct-taped to the baby’s ankle.
Interview Tip: When you get the “where do you see yourself in 5 years” question, don’t say “post-apocalyptic tribal warlord”.
I don’t wear a watch because my inner 3yo thinks nothing exists until I get there.
When sewing, always remember pattern placement is key.
The chip dip i ate with a spoon may not have helped my weight loss, but the diarrhea it gave me sure did.
Pointed out my kids real dad to them at the car wash today. None of us are sure if I’m kidding.
left my toddler unsupervised with a bottle of glitter glue
[opening birthday cards]
me: [disappointed] there’s no money in any of these
walmart clerk: put those back
“You know what, we need a huge spoon to take care of this” -Guy who invented shovels
When people say they’re speechless I always hope they mean it but they usually keep talking
You know, you don’t realise what you’ve got until you don’t have it. I just ran out of toilet paper …
My neighbor gave me $50 to get my squeaking door fixed because he couldn’t stand it anymore… and so begins my life as a sugar baby
*takes an exam in a coffin*
*passes*
DOG DRIVING INSTRUCTOR: Please assume the correct position for operating a vehicle.
DOG STUDENT: *sticks head out window*
DDI: Excellent.
May you never be as bored as whoever figured out that holding a seashell to your ear sounds like the ocean
Hey Canadians, what’s the plural of ‘moose?’
Mooses?
Mooseses?
Meese?
Meeses?
Moosii?Asking for a friend.
It’s me.
I’m American.
6-year-old: Where did the tornado go?
Me: Don’t worry. It’s gone.
6: To where?
Me: It just disappeared
6: Isn’t that a little bit fishy?
Let he who is without sin cast the first stone. Who threw that? Gary, was that you? Don’t act innocent, I know you download music illegally.
I hate to rub it in, but lotion doesn’t really work otherwise.
This is your captain speaking. Those of you on the right side of the plane may have noticed 3 pyramids. This is 3 more than we were expecting to see in Barcelona. Anyway, does anyone have google maps?
Jealous that secret agents can get out of any phone conversation at any time by saying “it’s not safe to talk on the phone right now”
We don’t know what’s in the vaccine. Could be anything. Microchips? Sure. Toxins? Maybe. Predatory birds? Definitely. This is all a plot to fill us full of falcons because the CDC is in the pocket of Big Talon.
I didn’t get a dog for the love and companionship, I got a dog so I would have an excuse to walk around my neighborhood in my pajamas between the hours of 4 am and 7 am
Earth Day…
…another made up holiday by Big Galaxy just to sell more planets!
When my 4 year old asked where babies come from my toddler immediately responded, “mail man.” Now I feel like I owe my husband a phone call and we need to cut back on our online shopping.
I hope no one murders you..but if they do, I hope it’s quick and interesting enough to get you on Dateline.
Who called it inspirational posting and not chicken soup for the scroll?
Friend: “You really shouldn’t let pets sleep in your bed.”
Me: “But I like cuddling!”
Friend: “I think your goldfish is dead now.”
If the number 666 is considered evil, then technically, 25.8069758 is the root of all evil.