I don’t simply want to kill a mosquito, I want to bite them back over and over to make them itch
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At a secluded mountaintop convent, I would be the third nun to go insane.
If Fitbit hired the owl from Duolingo we’d all be so buff
He’d keep us in line
6 (7:30am): Why is it so dark, isn’t it morning?
Me: Yeah buddy (explanation of the first day of winter, shortest day of the year, winter solstice)
(Later, 4:30pm)
6: Why is it so dark, is it bedtime?
Me: No, remember it’s…ummmm, yeah it’s bedtime. Are you tired!?
Effort made
Ex is bringing my kids back home. Time to strategically place the panties I bought from Victoria’s secret around the house
Eating the sticker on an apple counts as 35% of your daily fiber intake.
*bird watching*
Me: “Is that a Dark Blue Wrangler up there in that tree?”
Friend: “A Dark Blue Warbler? Never even heard of that. Where?”
*I point to where I saw it, but it’s too late. The pair of jeans has already been spooked, and majestically flies off into the sunset.*
Satan: *to a huge audience* Welcome to the end of days
One guy who hates calendars: Finally
Rich people say “Summered” we summered on Cape Cod. We went to Maine once on a Wednesday, I Wednesdayed in Maine
guys I wanna start watching the news but I’ve never seen a single episode and I don’t have time to watch it all before the new season starts can one of you catch me up?
me: yeah I’m a writer I’ve been published online
uber driver: oh cool me too
fly splatting on windscreen: same
I hate when I wake up hungry and stay that way for 32 years
Me: hey squirrel, dnt steal d pigeon’s food, the eggs are about to hatch
S: u stole a cake frm ur roomate
Me:
Me: here, take the eggs too
He told me I’m too competitive but I think he’s just jealous I won at that puzzle.
Didn’t find out until I got to work that these exposed-shoulder tops are intended for women.
[Friday morning meeting]
Me: *dressed in a hockey mask and carrying a big knife*
Boss: Nice Friday the 13th costume.
Me: It’s Friday the 13th?
mental gymnastics are fine if you can stick the landing
They’ve got a tiger running loose in Atlanta and I won’t take out the garbage if there’s a moth on the screen door.
My fiancée loves to say she’s color blind, yet anytime starbursts are being eaten in the car I get passed the orange and yellow
I got a 6 month head start on No Shave November, so I think my chances of winning are pretty good this year.
[first day as skydiving instructor]
Me, holding back tears: some of you aren’t gonna make it
As a little girl, I dreamt of being whisked away by a handsome prince.
It’s my husband’s dream now.
Me: Sorry, I pretended I was driving through a tunnel and couldn’t hear you when you started talking all romantic and shit.
Him: I was sitting right beside you. I think we need to talk about this.
M: keuuuuugh…shssssssh…weeeeeee
H: Still right beside you.
I call my smoke detector Gordon Ramsay because every time I cook it screams at me
Kid: if you could turn invisible, what’s the first thing you would do?
Me: take a nap
“I apologize for the misunderstanding”
– Professional
– Non-threatening
– Executive level“Listen here you little shit”
– Assertive
– Life-threatening
– Who knows what will happen next
how do we even know zombies only eat brains? it’s not like anyone has ever tried to offer them a hotdog or something
Wife just read through all my tweets.
Her eyes are very slowly rolling back into place.
The downside to being such a good man is all the s*xual excitement it evokes in my admirers. As such, I’ve had to create a series of automated messages in my DMs to deal with all the s*xy texting requests
[saturday, 5am]
no one:
no one at all:
delivery truck: I AM BACKING UP!!!!