If we add two more rings to plastic six-pack containers and throw them in the ocean the Octopus community can finally bust down on crime because now they’ll have adequate handcuffs.
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I’m the kind of mom who burns one side of the grilled cheese, serves it to her kid with the non-burned side up, and crosses her fingers.
I was reading a book with my 7yo where a teacher was getting married and INVITED ALL HER STUDENTS and then the students started SECRETLY PLANNING THE WEDDING to help out and I was so stressed out like “wtf, how is this gonna pan out, these kids don’t know how to hire a band”
Praying for people who setup a 5PM work meeting on a Friday to be blessed with the most obnoxious kids
My 1-year-old already knows how to open the baby gate. She stands there, screams, and I open the gate for her.
I firmly believe in homeopathy because they cure everything with alcohol.
Terrifying if literal: keeping your eyes peeled.
Someone wished me a Happy Independence Day and I told him this is America, and we say Merry Christmas here, buddy.
SCIENTIST: dont be stressed! some rocks becom diamonds under extreme pressure
ME: wat about the other rocks
SCIENTIST: oh they turn to dust
My brain: “Let’s do something adventurous today!”
My body: “Yeah, good luck with that.”
My favorite part of the Bible is when God gives humans free will, then kills them with a flood because they didn’t act the way he wanted.
I hate when sales people say stupid things like “Please stop undressing the mannequins, and your credit card has been declined again.”
I keep the peace. As a hoarder, I keep pretty much everything.
The early bird catches a worm. The on-time bird catches a different worm. The late bird also catches a worm. There are tons of worms and they have no human concept of time
Name dog. Call dog every derivative of that name but the actual name.
If my cat keeps packing on the pounds, I’m going to rent him out as a weighted blanket.
I once asked for their policy on afternoon naps at a job interview.
…turns out they don’t like that.
cop: why’d you kill him?
me: I was trying to count something and he kept shouting random numbers
cop: ugh hate that you’re free to go
ME: [sitting in kitchen writing out bills]
SON: I lost a tooth. I’m gonna leave it under my pillow tonight.
ME: I’d wait until next week.
Apparently waterboarding Tim from marketing is not considered an acceptable team building exercise.
5: let’s play the quiet game.
Me: Okay
5: ready..? Start.
Me:
5:
Me:
5: whoever talks first is the loser.
Doctor: ok, just need a urine sample & we’re done.
Me handing him my boxers: I’m in a rush. Just wring these out.
Kid, texting: MOM I’M HUNGRY!
Mom: *sends food emojis*
how do we expect our kids to learn from our mistakes when we’re still out there buying too many bananas just like our parents did
7YO: Daddy you’re so talented
Me: Awww Thank Y..
7YO: …last night your snoring sounded like a pig was beat boxing
me: *stepping out of a time machine* I hope I didn’t change anything
t-rex wearing a little lab coat: me too
Doctor: I’m sorry but you’re not healthy enough for sex
Me: Hey man I have not been your patient for 3 years can you please stop calling me
Be the reason why the lights flicker & the temperature drops when you enter a room.
Bank employees are called tellers, remember that next time you whisper them secrets.
I hate when recipes tell you to take something out of the pan and add it back in later. No way bro. It’s staying in there.
Dogs: I could vomit on the vinyl floor but this carpet two inches to the right seems better