Spiderman: *shoots web from wrist*
spider: yeah that way’s fine too
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I see you have a tattoo that says “Only god can judge me.” Buddy, you’re not gonna believe what im doing right now.
If only my Fitbit could measure the calories I burn while seething.
Got food poisoning and the restaurant offered me a voucher for a free meal. You know, because they didn’t get me the first time.
I guess cinco de mustard didn’t have the same ring to it
What do ppl who say “please excuse the mess” when their house is like a museum, want from us?
A man just shouted at me until I answered his questionnaire on christianity. He scared the b) Jesus out of me.
Getting a text from someone when I’m trying to tweet is the emotional equivalent to walking into a spider web.
*beats dead horse*
*kills two birds with 1 stone*
*lets cat out of bag*
*takes bull by horns*
*breaks camels back*
*gets kicked out of zoo*
card machine: insert chip card into reader
me: ok
card machine: do NOT remove card
me: uhh ok i wo-
card machine: REMOVE THE CARD YOU PIECE OF SHIT
merlin: whoever pulls the sword from the stone is the true king
arthur: oh, this sword?
merlin: by my beard.. what is your first order, my liege?
arthur: table
merlin: what?
arthur: [right in his face] and that shit better be a circle
Someone just un-complimented my skort after I told them it came from Walmart. I didn’t even know that was something you could do.
Probably the worst part about being a snail is how you can’t put salt on your French fries.
*reads your mind*
*decides to wait for the movie*
You enter. “I’ve been expecting you,” I say from behind the massive swivel chair. I put too much leg into turning around & spin for 5 mins.
This a good idea
Chicago pizzerias be like hi would you like a slice of soup?
Arrogant Co-Worker: Do you have any idea how many years of education I have?
Me: Don’t feel bad, I got held back a couple of times myself.
I like to keep our shades open at night to scare off any potential thieves with our mess
FRIEND: Women like a little danger.
ME: Okay.
[later on date]
HER: So where are we-
ME: *opening door of moving car* Get out. NOW.
“would you still love me if i was a worm?” yes. more, in fact.
I’ll be the first to admit when I’m wrong, I mean, I’ll be kicking and screaming the whole time, but I’ll do it.
I hope in the Top Gun sequel Goose’s ghost visits Maverick and they do pottery together.
[high seas]
FIRST MATE: I can’t wait to see my wife again
PIRATE: Land Ho!
FIRST MATE: Now look, that’s a little rude
Hello, my name is Graeme, I have a PhD in computing, and I am a senior accessibility consultant, but when I want to type “é” on a Windows laptop I go to Beyoncé’s Wikipedia page and copy/paste the letter from there.
I remember when people had the common decency to not look at you while you’re staring at them.
[sees fly]
Hmm… I think I’ll name this creature “Fly.”
[sees bird]
GODDAMMIT
First airplane parts store: The customer is always Wright
My patronus is a cheeseburger