I once broke up with a girl for doing a May the 4th be with you joke. I did it the next day though, and called it revenge of the fifth.
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GROUND CONTROL: Major Tom how you doin’ up there?
MAJOR TOM: Floating in a most peculiar way. The stars look very different today…
GROUND CONTROL: *hits mute button* Again with this guy. *releases button* That’s great. How ’bout we run through some flight diagnostics?
HER: I’m pansexual.
ME: Oh, cool.
*quietly nudges a cabinet door shut with my foot, hiding my pots and pans*
chews marshmallows with bovine intensity
It’s all fun and games until you swallow the keys to the handcuffs.
WIFE: That won’t work
ME [planting bird seed] do you want a bird or not, Linda?
him, texting from the party: where did you go???
me, already home in bed: bathroom brb
Amazon thinks my recent humidifier purchase was merely the inaugural move in a newfound hobby of humidifier collecting.
The Grammy performers prove that no matter age, sex, race, religion or looks, I have no idea who most them are.
It isn’t a successful BBQ until some drunken idiot walks face first into a closed sliding glass door.
I’m fine by the way.
me: [throwing pebbles in the sea]
fred flintstone: NOOOOOOOO
What if this “alert” was just Americans being called in from recess?
Enough of your nonsense, nap time.
Ahhh the sweet smell of Christmas
I think it was the second time my mom dropped me on my head that made me what I am.
I just bought a new pair of sunglasses for whoever finds them in 3 weeks.
It was when I stabbed a Capri Sun perfectly the first time, right in that grey circle, that I knew I wanted to be an assassin.
Weird; People in my office have started naming the food in the company fridge. Today I ate a tuna sandwich named Kevin.
I don’t really WANT to make bad choices; but I got here late and all the good choices were already taken.
me: will I go to jail in the future
psychic: no
me: gimme your wallet and empty the register
[aircraft carrier]
*paints a T on the helipad*
Captain: No it has to have an H
Me: Why?
*train sounds approaching*
Captain: Oh dear god
My typo game is string.
Wife: when did we get a new dishwasher
Me: u said change the dishwasher & stack the baby
Wife: how do u stack a baby
Me: u get other babies
hear me out- let’s have pet sitters release one harmless flying insect into your home every 2 days you’re gone to keep the pets amused
As Head Priestess of the North Glendale coven…in addition to requesting YET AGAIN everyone sign up for unholy committee duties…I’ll reiterate that your amulets MUST be smaller than mine, yes I mean yours Susan. Also there’s a Prius blocking the driveway. All hail the Dark Lord.
Oh, you don’t have sex on the first date? How about on the last date?
First person ever to clap: *starts smacking hands together*
People: Look at this idiot…we should do it too
This is what happens when an AP style journalist marries an English major and the English major edits the wedding website copy
I hope this year they have the courage to legalize diarrhea.
My 4 year old daughter is in the tub screaming song requests at Alexa like a drunk divorcee
MOST TIMES: i know all of the lyrics to this song and could sing it in my sleep
DURING KARAOKE: i don’t remember a single word, may have even forgotten about the very concept of music
I tried a little beginner’s yoga earlier. The ambulance should be here any minute.