When you’re on a diet everything smells like cookies. Except the guy beside me on the city bus. He smells like sardines
Delicious sardines
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I think the worst part about the collapse of civilization will be all those people with no way to remove their braces.
“You ruined everything.”
-People exaggerating when you only ruined like one or two things, tops
ME: Here’s your Mickey Mouse pancake
HER: This isn’t Mickey Mouse shaped
ME: I suppose you’d think banana pancakes should be banana shaped
Having a conversation with my oldest we came to this impasse:
5: No mom, not chicken the animal, chicken the food!
Me: Oh man, buddy…I’ve got bad news for you.
My mother was, let’s just say, not perfect. She’d routinely leave my little sister and I in the van for hours while she gambled. And even though we were patched-in to the casino security cameras and feeding her info through an earpiece, she still managed to blow hand after hand.
First man discovered fire. Then he invented the wheel. Then there was, like, 500 years where he just kept setting the wheel on fire.
WIFE: That won’t work
ME [planting bird seed] do you want a bird or not, Linda?
Bet sidewalk and fireplace were named by the same person
Me: *tries to knock 1st kite out of tree using 2nd kite*
*gets 2nd kite stuck in tree*
Genie: please don’t w-
Me: I wish for a third kite
<~>Fortune Cookie<~>
We see you put egg roll from buffet in purse. Very bad woman.
Don’t worry. Your secret is safe with me, I won’t say a word about your “wenital werpes” *winks*
Maybe women decided to convince men that beards were sexy because they were sick of cleaning the washbasin after he shaved
Hitchhikers won’t kill you if you kill them first.
I decided to beat Black Friday and start my Christmas shopping early.
*Runs Amazon van off the road
Feeling extremely smug after being the best at pulling over to let an ambulance pass
why are you as a non alcoholic cocktail priced in the double digits
Elon Musk & Grimes agreed to split custody of X Æ A-12 equally so somewhere a judge is trying to calculate X ÆA-12➗2
HR said I have to stop yelling “let’s make a baby” every time I want to collaborate on a project with someone.
I was supposed to be taller, but I made it up with width for the sake of Geometry.
When someone ends a sentence with “af” they were hastily trying to type “A FALCON DESCENDS UPON ME” but could not make it in time.
If they cancel the Times Square New Year’s Eve Celebration, I feel bad for everyone who misses out on what everyone I know who’s ever been to it describes as one of the worst things they’ve ever experienced.
I am officially old enough to have to put on glasses to find my pants
I might not be able to speak another language but I can speak English slower!
I bought a bug zapper fly swat.
So now I look like a madwoman swinging around a small tennis racket, shocking anyone who dares step in my way.
They don’t even serve apples at Applebee’s.
Or bees.
I have so much to offer this world but I am so far behind on my shows.
Great books in 140. The Great Gatsby. In 1922 a mysterious millionaire is obsessed with a now married former girlfriend and has to be shot.
ur macbook about to start asking if you want update now, tonight or when the 2nd wave hits
[creating flamingos]
god: here’s your legs
flamingo: can I just have 1
god: no u have to use 2
flamingo: [narrows eyes & sucks teeth] we’ll see about that
Edward Scissorhands: You told me to put my hands up
Me: I said I was sorry
Other rollercoaster riders: *covered in chunks of duck*