You haven’t Instagramed what you had for dinner yet? Please hurry up, the suspense is killing me.
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My 9-year-old drew her dream bedroom for an assignment at school. I asked her to show me so I could see if there were any simple upgrades I could do. She had my attention at the skydiving zone but lost me at the built-in McDonald’s.
“I’d totally have sex with that guy if he just roared his engine louder!”
-nobody
DATE: Do you like sports?
ME: *nervously* Sure.
DATE: What’s your favorite sport?
ME: *panicking* Panicking.
ME (having a disagreement with a friend): I’d like to speak to your manager
One time I exaggerated so hard that I died.
Reminder that today is Make Your Kid Lunch for School so They Can Forget it at Home Day.
Fire at the cannabis dispensary. Witnesses described it as super chill.
A spider crawling along the wall suddenly fell off and kept crawling on the floor like it wasn’t a big deal, so I said out loud, “I saw that.”
I just got excited opening a new pack of socks. Being an adult is stupid
Sir, the children at the petting zoo are unhappy. They think our animals are lame
*stares off into distance*
We’re gonna need a bigger goat
[God creating puffer fish] take that hedgehog and throw it into the goddamn ocean
Woke up at 5am because I rolled over and my foot got too close to my dog and he started barking to make sure me and all my neighbors knew.
I saw a man getting ready to fight someone and he took out his airpods and gave them to his friends like they were hoops
My husband and I love to play “who can pile the most into the trash can without taking it out” and I can assure there are no winners her. Just cursing, garbage covered losers
Surfing is a good choice for people who like skateboarding but wish it had more sharks.
Worm: These early birds are decimating our population.
Other worm: I’ve developed some tech that’ll impede their early rising abilities.
Worm: What is it?
Other worm: I call it “a YouTube rabbit hole”
Your loss, middle school cheerleading squad. Turns out I’m really good at yelling at people.
King: For the last time, what’s your SURNAME?!
Sir Name: *staring, eyelid twitching in frustration*
i asked my husband to get something larger than the tiny bottle of olive oil he usually buys…
Baltimore’s chief export seems to be artisanal crime narrative.
On your first day in prison, walk right up to the nicest guy in there and break his heart.
CAT: so thirsty
ME: *gives water*
CAT: *knocks bowl over on purpose*
CAT: hey! dying of thirst here
Alexa, put me to sleep
“soon you will sleep with the fishes. In the meantime, here are ocean sounds”
[entering room bloody and beaten] yeah well you should see the other guy! not a scratch on him. pristine condition. altogether more pleasing to look at. huge muscles
My GF left me because she said I lied about stupid things. I was so upset I ate a car park 🙁
My doctor asked where I was in my menstrual cycle so I told her I’m on the ‘assuming everyone is mad at me’ day.
Before 40: stretch to prevent injury
After 40: injure self during stretching
I’m so old they didn’t even name my generation. They just called us hoodlums.