This guy is choking on the last hotdog I wanted so I’m just going to let him die.
You Might Also Like
-first day at NASA-
colleagues: 5, 4, 3, 2, 1
me: do you guys do this in every elevator
To someone this means ‘A new start’. To everyone else, it doesn’t.
“Excellent choice, sir. And what temperature would you like me to microwave your steak to?” – The Honest Applebees Server
My almost 80 year old father was scrolling through obituaries the other day at breakfast when he noticed that the husband of one of his old girlfriends had passed away. So anyway my dad has a new girlfriend.
Life is like a bear, play dead and it will leave you alone.
I don’t get why someone would want the house in a divorce.
“your honor, I’d like to keep the building where my soul was sucked dry.”
Her: I love a tough guy
Me: I’ve got some scars
Her: Ooh. Show me one.
Me: [pulls up shirt and points to bellybutton] This is from when I was born
The nice part about living in a small town is that when you don’t know what you are doing, someone else does!
OMG, shoot him with a crossbow one time and he never shuts up about it.
It wasn’t even fatal.
I don’t want to alarm anyone but I’ve purchased a ukulele. Soon as I can jam, there’ll be auditions for my band behind the 7-11.
NO WEIRDOS
jesus thought he was impressive converting water into wine, lemme see u convert Fahrenheit into Celsius without googling it if ur so holy
I love travelling because I love to check if I have my passport every 3-4 minutes 🥰
You ever pump your gas slowly on purpose so no one realizes you only had $3 on you
I wish I could feed people I don’t like to my cat.
Me: If Captain America and The Hulk got married they could name their kid Star-Spangled Banner
Therapist: we should start meeting twice a day
Me: Hypothetically, if I was lost in the woods, would you find me?
Dog: In this hypothetical, do you have a donut?
[at a wine tasting]
Me: *sips and swishes*
Employee: Sir, you can’t drink inside the grocery store
Alternate universe where all appearances of the word “lil” in rappers names have to be replaced with the word “teensy weensy”
All amusement parks are abandoned amusement parks right now. The Scooby Doo crew must be overwhelmed.
Wife fell off the bed and I laughed so hard that I’ll be sleeping on the floor tonight with the cat.
INTERVIEWER: so what makes you qualified to work at comcast
ME: *shows up four hours later*
INTERVIEWER: you’re hired
Free will was a mistake.
I should have charged for it.
Doctor: what seems to be the problem?
Me: I need to be docted
Doctor: you came to the right place. I’m a doctor. I doct people
[Describing guy who just mugged me to sketch artist]
“He was literally kermit the frog”
I bought a pair of underwear today.
In the front it says ‘I would do anything for love’.
In the back, ‘But I won’t do that’.
4-year-old: What’s that?
Me: A vegetable you won’t like. If you don’t tell Mom, I’ll take it from you.
*eats her bacon*
Read It and Weep: A Book on How to Cry
Bought a kazoo to stick in my husband’s mouth when he snores so he can wake himself up in the most annoying way possible
the best part about being a parent is explaining normal human behaviours to the small feral people, my favourite of which has been “we don’t pee our pants on purpose when we are mad”
I’ll do anything once, twice if I like it, three times if I’m addicted which why I’m always in and out of rehab. I have a problem.