The biggest takeaway from listening to hundreds of podcasts is if you’re rich enough, you can get away with murder.
You Might Also Like
(my first day as a transformer)
optimus prime: Transformers, roll out!
Me:*transforms into hotdog cart* CAN I GET A PUSH HERE
Edward Scissorhands: best 2 out of 3
Dwayne Johnson:
I like wearing a pullover because the name is also instructions. There’s none of the trial and error that comes with other types of clothing. You just pull it straight over your legs.
“You can’t scare me, you’re not my wife who I left on read for 2 hours”
– my husband right now, probably
I wonder what ppl in the year 78 BC thought C stood for.
The only thing worse than getting caught sneaking alcohol into the house by your wife is being called amateur by your teen son.
HIM: What do you think happens to us when we die?
ME: Funerals, you idiot.
5-year-old: Why are we here?
Me: Philosophers still don’t know
5: No, why are we HERE
Wife: Your dad is lost and won’t ask for directions
Dreams won’t chase you back, but Canadian geese sure as hell will.
Walking around naked is a great motivator to get back to the gym
*At The Opera*
Her: Where are you going?
Me: I have to go to the Men’s Room.
Her: I have the car keys.
Me: Shit!
4-year-old: You ate candy bars without me!
Me: No I didn’t. I just bought empty wrappers
4:
Me:
4: Next time buy ones with candy in them
[stranded on a desert island]
*finds a message in a bottle*
hey honey, where do we keep the teabags?
[cute guy approaches at bar]
Him: Hey can I…
Me: [blushing] Yes?
Him: Can I get a pic of you for my mom? You look just like my grandpa.
Next time a doctor asks if I have a family history of cancer, I’m going to reply, “yeah, but only the ones that wanted to work really hard for it.”
Frankenstein was 90% about someone making up a guy and then getting mad at him
wife: do you need help in there?
me: Kristin please. i just need the pin number for the microwave
[millipede preschool]
head, shoulders, knees and toes, knees and toes, knees and toes, knees and toes, knees and toes, knees and toes…
I hate when I want to like a girl’s old picture to let her know I’m interested but I’ve already liked every single one.
[GUYS WHO NAMED THE FIREPLACE]
Guy1: What should we call it?
Guy2: How bout ‘Hot Spot’?
Guy1: Nah..
Guy2: How bout ‘Fireplace’?
Guy1: Duuuuuuuuude!!!
[doc pulls baby out of mom and immediately slides it under his shirt] oh no NOW I’M PREGNANT haha no [pulls it out] just kidding here you go
The Internet makes things so convenient. Before it existed, if you wanted to order a DVD online, you had to invent the Internet.
My 7yo learned that a seal in French is a “phoque” and like every Canadian child before her, she is enjoying this sweet swear loophole to its fullest
Sorry I wrote “All dogs matter” on your “I ❤️ my Weimaraner” bumper sticker.
My aunt cuts her name & address label from magazines for fear of the legendary “saw your name & address on a magazine label” murderer
Bigfoot’s whole body is big. he should be called Bigbody
Her: My dad’s sister does my taxes
Me: So she’s your accountAunt? Lol, hey, where are you going?
Them: “Would you like to eat an entire loaf of bread?”
Me: “No thank you.”
Them: “What if we gave you a pot of cheese and a little poker and called it fondue?”
Me: “I’m in.”
I took my kids to the playground and now they want me to push them on the swings. Jesus Christ, haven’t I done enough?
My pharmacists won’t return my calls anymore *snotty cries* something about no more refills. Quick someone sneeze on me! I’m lonely.