I’m at the age where my mind firmly believes I’m 29, my humor suggests I’m 12 and my body possibly died in the Civil War.
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Donkey Kong Country: Tropical Freeze (2014)
Some Things Never Change 😀
#archaeohistories
Drive Thru Clerk: Wow, you smell good. What are you wearing?
Me: [hiding fries from the other drive thru] You wouldn’t know, it’s french.
beginning a breakup text with “as the situation with the supply chain continues to develop,”
Sociophobia is the fear of friends.
Sociophoebea is the fear of just the ditzy one.
My stages of drunk:
1) “Everybody, watch this!”
2) Prison
Peter Pan seems like a fun read until it’s an hour past bedtime and you’re trying to convince your kid that she always has to tell you before she leaves the house, even if it’s through the window in the middle of the night with a magical flying man
I think Grandma enjoyed giving everyone the wrong impression saying her friend Iris died by the needle when she was actually stabbed during knitting club.
me: i can’t remember my password
my brain: how about an embarrassing memory
Same post same
It was the worst of times, it was the worst of times.
-2020
We’ve secretly replaced the G with a K on this bottle of Jergens.
Let’s see if he notices.
Me: you’re my first customer so forgive me if I’m slow
Bank robber: you’re doing great buddy
Apparently, starting an impromptu game of leap frog with somebody bending over to tie their shoe is considered rude.
Church is boring.
i left 11 and 8 at home to run down the street to get tacos. when i came back 8 was out in the yard (3 acres) clipping the grass with tiny scissors. exactly what a drunk person would do.
Maybe having my husband talk to my son about how he shouldn’t be running a fantasy football league with his friends at school was a bad idea because my husband’s first question was, “What’s the buy in?”
All men reach an age when we greet each other with “There he is.”
Reporter: are you nervous about the fight?
Me nervously: no
Reporter: he said he’s going to ‘rip your heart out’
Me crying: but I need it
December has 5 Saturdays.
FIVE.
That November salary will be fighting for its life.
New COVID variant subscribes you to random podcasts.
Me: What do you think of your haircut?
Wife: I need more volume
Me: WHAT DO YOU THINK OF YOUR HAIRCUT?
Being friends with introverts is hard sometimes. Did they die? Are they just recharging? Are they batman now? The suspense is killing me.
Before you decide to spend less time on social media, make sure you go to every social media website and tell everyone.
Me: I’d like to return this
Customer Service: this is the missing mop from the janitor’s room
Me: ya it sucks
me: any idea how my house burned down?
detective: fireworks
me: *sadly* yeah I guess it does
If I reply touché that means I have no clue what you meant
Mother in law: How’d you get this turkey so juicy?
Me: I’m…
Wife: … no
Me: a…
Wife: … don’t
Me: *stares at wife* master baster!
I always eat free range chicken… free range fish, free range hot dogs & free range ramen. (Somebody gave me this old stove)
Mcdonald’s is the true nemesis of anyone trying to lose weight.
Their Arch enemy, you might say.
My sons having a few friends stay over tonight
Hockey mask *check
Chainsaw *checkHopefully this will be the last sleepover for a while