My Plans 2020
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If the only way you can make money with your degree is to become a professor teaching the subject…
Then you have–by definition–joined a pyramid scheme.
haha remember when I was in charge of a children’s birthday party at the pottery studio I worked at and I kicked things off by saying “alright it’s jenna’s sixth birthday, pretty impressive she’s made it this far…”
Ghostbusters (1984): A large, jovial marshmallow sailor is burned alive amid the crossfire btwn humans and ethereal beings.
never underestimate the power of positive thinking, and also never underestimate the power of waving a tire iron or a gun around
*putting dead animal heads on the walls*
People will like this!
“A user interface is like a joke. If you have to explain it, it’s not a that good.”#usability #uxdesign #iOSdev
*gets arrested
*mug shot posted
*waits for modeling contract
I just want to take a moment to thank God for making it be parrots that talk and not cockroaches.
I use so many age defying crinkle creams that I don’t have finger prints anymore.
Yeah? Well the Bible also tells us that abstinence isn’t 100% effective, Mary.
Victor Frankenstein being only 23 years old when he made the monster is crazy to me, he should have been at the club.
SPIDER-MAN: hold it right there, Chameleon
CHAMELEON: how’d u know it was me??
SM: ur disguised as Peter Parker
C: so?
SM: *starts sweating*
I bought my husband of 21 years a sweatshirt and I stole it from him and that’s how we keep our marriage fresh
My (almost) 15 year old cat just ran up and down the hallway 6 times and then jumped the gate to start shit with my dog. I’ve been sitting in the same chair since I woke up.
Therapist: What brings you here today?
Me: I’m a middle child.
Therapist: I see, classi..
Me: In between two sets of twins.
Therapist: *on intercom* Sheila clear my week.
My dad: See, when you said you’d met a “special someone” we thought…
Me: Go on.
My dad:
Me: [taking hold of the penguin’s flipper] GO ON.
‘Welcome home. I barfed over there.’
~cats
“You deleted your search history. Good move. But you forgot about something…”
*cop gets all up in suspect’s face*
“Targeted. Banner. Ads.”
My hateful coworkers discovered that I eat my lunch in the air ducts and now they’ve taken to smacking the air ducts with a broom.
Me: What are you doing?
4yo: I’m scalloping like a horse.
Very irritated daughter stomping all over the porch…
Me: What’s the problem?
Her: Dad asked me to bring him a Phillips screwdriver AND ALL WE HAVE ARE STANLEYS!!!!
Having a pet is basically just asking “how did you get so cute?” followed by “why are you wet?” 6 or 7 times a day.
A no carb diet can make you detached, remote and standoffish so occasionally you should eat aloof of bread.
How does Darth Vader like his steaks? Done done done done da done done da done.
Please don’t block me.
My ex husband went to buy a lotto ticket & never came back, I guess he won, haven’t see him in over 20 years
Yesterday I told my husband I was gonna get rid of all the kid’s toys because the house is full and today he told me I couldn’t buy any new ones, as if he thinks I meant it
ME: babe i don’t think the acid we dropped is working
GIANT BLUE OX: are you sure
seems like H&M is expecting a rush on Victorian funerals
opening twitter today
I don’t know why we have three different pig emojis but it’s great for when you need to tell someone a pig is slowly approaching:
🐖🐷
🐽