“Chickfila catering?”
“Yes, sir. How big is your party?”
“Party?”
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[Jesus’ dating profile]
I love wine that’s made from water, taking long walks on the ocean and going to supper w my friends.
Me: So, where are you from?
Her: I’m from Canada.
Me: Wow, your English is great!
If I could ask God for one thing, it would probably be power equal to or greater than his own.
Kentucky names the shit out of places
Welcome to Cupcake Yoga! NomNomaste.
People always say reading romance novels will ruin dating for you like it’s a bad thing
If my husband asks, we took a lit course together in college
Or you could just call them Antiques and not totally creep people out…
This will teach them to underestimate me
winter should be a week maybe two. ride the high of the holidays and go out with a bang— this whole overstaying its welcome thing is a bad look
[spelling bee finals]
JUDGE: your word is “asterisk”
KID: can you use it in a sentence?
JUDGE: *adjusts mic* yes
My parties got a hundred times better when I realized if I didn’t invite anybody I could eat all the snacks.
Pirate union rep: what would you like to see in terms of pirate rights?
Pirate: More parity!
Pirate union rep: [squawking] what would you like to see in terms of pirate rights?
him: I’m like the potato of people
me: lumpy
him: no, I-
me: covered in dirt
him: god dammit
[Patient room]
ME: …so that’s why I need to drain the abscess on your leg
PATIENT: What’ll it feel like?
ME: Honestly, it feels amazing & truly gratifying knowing that I’ve been able to help someone in a dark time
PATIENT: No, I meant for me
ME: Oh. It’s gonna hurt like hell
[texting with new girlfriend]
Her: What are you doing tonight?
Me (walking through adult section at video store): I dunno, might rent Lady and the Tramp
Her: You’re adorable
My wife said “you really have no sense of direction do you?”. I said “where did that come from?” Happy turkey day
Essential oils? You mean WD40?
Because I was late to the cannibal feast, they gave me the cold shoulder.
Yet the one time I did, I got banned
I don’t care what kinda lighter you have, its fair game if its unattended. Unless its engraved, then I’ll give it back for Christmas.
Yoga class
*sniff sniff*
“Someone stinks of 11 herbs and spices”Embarrassed chicken closes her legs
My 7 year old has been asking a lot of questions this Christmas season and I’m worried that it might be the last year he believes that Bitcoin is real.
My ‘Mom Voice’ was so loud even the neighbors washed their hands and cleaned their rooms.
A true Columbus Day sale in a mattress store would mean all the merchandise is infested with smallpox
My hobbies are scrolling through twitter, charging my phone and being generally dissatisfied with things.
What, tough guy? Come try taking that picture over here, why don’t ya?
A Cobra wanted to fight me but I challenged him to a thumb war and he slitthered away embarrassed.
Please do not ask a bookworm if they are going to finish the books they have before buying more. It is very offensive in our culture.