my brain: you have over a thousand unread emails
me: yes
my brain: are you ever going to read them?
me: no
my brain: then delete them
me: no
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“Sorry, guys, my mom packed the wrong outfit.”
If you try to rip somebody’s head off, I suggest you train for it first. If you don’t succeed it makes the following few minutes awkward.
To all the men who keep dming me “hello” – I don’t speak English. I thought that was painfully obvious from my tweets, but I’m writing another one just to let you know.
What’s the optimum number of puppets for a job interview? I know it’s not seven
Please don’t feed the Kardashians.
😂😂😂😂😆😆😆🤗🤗😂😂
Him: I’m drawn to winged creatures.
Me: *bats eyelashes, cocks head, makes duck lips*
Sorry for levitating at the end of your bed all night, I just think you’re really cute
I just made my daughter a grilled cheese and her response was “this is perfect, I bet you can’t do it twice” so yes, she knows how to play the game
Breaking news:
I wish I had the same ideas and motivation during the day as I do when I’m trying to sleep
[first date]
ME: so which movie do you think will win the oscar
DATE: Get Out
ME: *leaves*
The biggest joke of Spongebob is that he can work in a fast food restaurant and still afford to buy a house.
You can marry for love or you can marry for kidneys, but not both
one of my students brought back his report card today signed “MOMMY” 😭
I am interested in:
⚪️ men
⚪️ women
🔘 making peace with the terror of being alive
Twitter takes me places I’ve never been before. Take oncoming traffic for example.
[group therapy]
IAN: Hi. I’m Ian. I’m racist
[others nod]
ME: Hi. I’m Mat. I use landscape keyboard on my phone
[screaming]
[Ian pukes]
A bright side to having kids is that if I’m ever trapped in my car I have 3 years worth of half-empty water bottles and goldfish to live on.
Me: I refuse to believe that year 2004 was 30 years ago
Them: it wasn’t
Me: that’s what I just said
I would like a mode of transportation that only allows me to travel a foot at a time with maximum effort requiring stellar balance.
*pogo stick inventor* I got you.
me: how did you get ink all over your skirt?
wife: oh umm, the printer at work exploded
dave the squid: [in the closet] just tell him about us
The best thing about coming from a big family is being able to talk louder than normal people.
You can have a terrier or you can have a Roomba, but you cannot have both.
My Doberman sits on other dogs to assert dominance. I’m going to try this with my co-workers.
Do people who take performance enhancing drugs know nothing of coffee?
“sir, can i ask why you’re smoking TWO huge blunts?”
“officer, I’m…”
*turns to camera*
“double jointed”
*cop starts breakdancing*
Of course people can change. I used to hate true crime but now I actively participate in giving shows content.