M: If someone calls you the wrong name is it rude to correct them?
Interviewer: I meant questions about the job, Kim.
M: Well, I’m Ursula.
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The last time I said I wanted to try missionary, she sent me to a remote village in Africa
haha remember when you were a kid you’d hide inside the clothes racks at stores. can’t do that as an adult. someone’s stupid kid is in there
I can count on three hands the number of times I failed math and anatomy.
Husband getting dressed:
Me: Purple and green don’t go together.
Husband: It works for the Joker.
Me: My point exactly.
Every toddler is a budding artist when you give them a peanut butter & jelly sandwich.
Close the door.
You’re letting the wifi out.
Me: *being pulled from my smashed car by paramedics & put on a stretcher*
My mom: WAIT! *running up to the ambulance, out of breath* this never would’ve happened if you drank more water
[Date]
Me: tell me about yourself
Her: I’m really vegan
Me: oh no
Her: and I have a kid
Me: oh no
Her: his name is Kale
Me: ohhh noo
5 cats in this house and not one will ride the Roomba WHAT A JOKE.
My wife asked me to help decorate the cookies for her sister’s baby shower, and then just as quickly asked me to please stop helping.
tamagotchi my fitbit
owners
🤝
trying to keep a weird
little guy alive
[ autumn, 1579 ]
pumpkin farmer: i say, you’ve spilled your spice on my pumpkins!
spice merchant: poppycock! for YOU have gotten your pumpkin in MY spice!
susan: *rising up out of a barrel* omg this is sooo good I want like 12 ventis all in my mouth
[First Date]
Him: And, how did you get here?
Me: My parents had sex.
Cashier: you’re 8 cents short
Me: it’s only 8 cents can you just let it slide
Cashier: no
Me: *slides cashier 20 dollars* what about now
Tried a smile yesterday and my white blood cells attacked it.
Gonna create a dating app for dentists called Cavity Search
KID 911: wats ur emergency
SON: cant find my shoes
KID 911: have you looked literally nowhere?
SON: yes!
KID 911: then it is lost forever
*explosion walks away from me in slow motion
Pics or it didn’t happen… unless it’s your kid’s first day of school, then we’ll just take your word for it.
Girl from school who refused to dance with me at elementary school disco: can I get some chicken Mcnuggets
Me: well look who’s come crawling back
Age is a hoax perpetuated by Big Birthday Card to keep us from giving the same card every year.
That moment when your 5 year old asks you if your 1 year old can go into the washing machine, and you really hope he isn’t already in there.
I’m in a weird place in life because I’m not ready to get married, but I am ready to drag some cans behind my car
bae: come over
me: can’t, in self isolation
bae: my parents aren’t home
me:
I wanted a 6 pack, so I started Hip Hop abs.
Quit 1/3 of the way through.
Ended up with a 2Pac.
I would like to be a zombie because when someone asked me if I had a boyfriend I could just eat them.
DAD: Look at this mess! Are you trying to attract ants?
ME: [bench pressing 10x my weight] Did they say something?
Her: Your life just doesn’t seem to have a direction.
Me: “Down” is a direction, Brenda.
I love a “hell yeah” moment right before it turns into a “well shit” situation.
There’s that girl again. Time to impress her.
*Rolls down the window blasting a science podcast*