Welcome to your 40’s. Right after you’re done peeing, you feel like you need to pee.
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*i before e except after c.
Unless you’re an 8yo heir planning a heist to seize a surveillance sleigh owned by a sheik at a reindeer farm.
– What have you come as?
– A Werewolf.
– But… they’re your normal clothes.
– It’s not a full moon.
WIFE: what the hell happened here?
ME: i broke an egg
[earlier]
ME [shaking egg]: tell me what u know, u piece of shit
Money can’t buy you happiness. But it can buy you burritos and a Slip N’ Slide. So you do the math.
My husband: *Takes a deep breath and exhales*
Me: What’s THAT supposed to mean??!
Me: I’ve got distressed genes.
Friend: Don’t you mean distressed jeans.
M: Have you met my family?
when serial killers go for a run do they take the psycho path
Kidnapper holding me for ransom: *handing me phone* your parents want to talk to you so they have proof you’re alive
Me: can I just text them
“Should I vomit at 1am or 3am? Maybe both.”
Can Jesus turn off his walking on water power, or when he dives into a swimming pool would he just bounce across the surface like a skipping stone?
Today’s religious debate is brought to you by…
“jogging gives me endorphins”
so does shoplifting. jogging does not give you free mascara.
I prefer to think in terms of “good” cholesterol and “misunderstood” cholesterol.
Beware of fowl play.
What idiot called it Santa’s holiday and not his sleighcation?
Friends: Want to hang out this weekend?
Me: No, I have big plans this weekend.
My Plans:
I once snuck my cat into a grocery store just to show him what a lazy hunter I am.
[Sperm Bank]
DOCTOR (to the Nurse): Get a load of this guy
broke: animals can’t go to heaven because they don’t wait til marriage to have sex
woke: u can teach a parrot to say the sinner’s prayer, parrots will be in heaven, parrots everywhere
*sees sister’s facebook post that her dog died*
how do i tell her i love her & i’ll always be there for her
*clicks sad face button*
perfect
Is it even the holidays if you don’t have at least one person wearing an inappropriate and inflammatory political shirt to dinner?
75% of parenting is taking their keys to punish them
And giving them back because they’re driving you crazy
My neighbor bought a fancy ride-on mower for a quarter-acre backyard. That’s like buying a motorcycle you only ride to the mailbox.
Shaved my legs today
RIP drain
*slides $5 to the funeral director*
Maybe you can get me the widow’s phone number?
I still can’t find a place with an alligator infested moat for under $2k/month, but I’m hopeful.
Customer: where might I find chicken livers?
Me: on the inside
most librarians are not supportive of me practicing mime despite 𝘤𝘭𝘦𝘢𝘳𝘭𝘺 adhering to the volume guidelines
How much for the angry lawn gnome?
That’s my toddler.
I always say “Beep beep! Tough guy alert!” when I see a guy in a Tap Out shirt so he knows I know he’s a tough guy.
it’s amazing when it’s ur birthday 🙂 u really feel the love from family, friends, lovers, former dentists, yoga studios and various smootheries