My girlfriend told me she’s “spotting” and I’m like yeah right for who? You can’t even bench 50 Lbs lol
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[hearing news of an apocalyptic asteroid] best put the car in the garage
Me: *Walks into therapy with an iced coffee*
Therapist: You’re late again
Me: oH No HoW dOeS tHaT mAkE yOu FeEl, DeBoRaH
“who hurt you” myself bro, I make horrible decisions
5: I love you so much
Me: I love you too, are you done acting naughty?
5: nope
[being murdered]
me: this is free, right?
The baby bites me a lot cuz she’s teething and fine, whatever, but just now she followed it up with some loud air chewing like she thought she was actually eating me and that was appropriate.
To everyone who mocked me for keeping my old maternity pants for so long … who’s laughing now
*Telephone Rings*
Advice Nurse: Hello, how can I assist you today?
Werewolf: *sweating* CAN I EAT CHOCOLATE?
Find someone who will worry about you like the way my Amazon delivery guy does when I don’t order anything in more than two days
Took my little niece to the zoo. So many questions. “What’s that? Why’s its neck so long? How long does it live?”
I think she got fed up answering in the end.
Husband: Give me one example.
Me: ALL the times.
Husband: Those don’t count.
If a spoon doesn’t stand up straight in a cup of coffee you’re not brewing it right.
Why do Mexicans eat tamales on Christmas?
Because they’re delicious, you racist asshole.
I’m just a girl.
Standing in front of a girl.
Wondering how she got her eyeliner on so perfectly.
Ah to be a little slug on a day like today. The rain is out. No cares in the world. Time for slime.
In the 1800s women were sometimes forced to wear an “A” on their clothing, signifying that they were Alvin from the Chipmunks.
ME: Who do you want to be at my Frozen-themed party?
FRIEND: Let me be Olaf or Elsa
ME: Ok but never threaten me in an Italian accent again
Bank robber: Follow my instructions and no one gets hurt.
Me: Okay.
Bank robber: Empty the safe and put it in the bag!
Me: Put the empty safe in the bag?
Bank robber: Do you want me to draw my gun?
Me: Okay. I’ll get you a pencil.
Of course people can change. I used to hate true crime but now I actively participate in giving shows content.
me as a child: I want dinosaur chicken nuggets
me as an adult: I want dinosaur chicken nuggets
me on my death bed: I want dinosaur chicken nuggets
The inventor of the wooden spoon: this will change cooking forever
Italian Mothers: I can’t wait to hit my kids with this
Mumford & Sons! It’s your cousin, Marvin. Marvin & Sons. You know that new sound you’re looking for? *holds phone to a boiling pot of water*
[Masterchef]
Gordon Ramsay: describe the dish
Me: *proudly* ceramic, chef
I’ll start buying “smart” appliances when they make a microwave that automatically electrocutes people who put fish in it
Took my mom to a steakhouse for dinner and she ordered the salmon. And I just feel like this is a metaphor for our entire relationship.
I hired a nanny to watch my kids. Little did she know they were just two sacks of potatoes. When I got home I accused her of witchcraft.
Just when you’ve built some confidence that you’re a smarter than average human, universe sends you captcha.
I laughed and my gum shot out of my mouth, but I caught it with my hand and my lightning reflexes, so….be a cooler idiot
Is your bathroom floor too dry? Try having kids™️