Fight
You Might Also Like
before camouflage clothing was invented, people would just stand still and make tree noises.
The sadiator games of ancient Rome were deemed too much of a bummer by the emperor and were replaced with the more popular gladiator games.
Me: What do you want for breakfast?
Kids: EGGS! BACON! WAFFLES! CHOCOLATE CHIP PANCAKES!
Me: Let me rephrase. Who wants toast?
Pro tip: when your neighbors make you mad, send your 8 y/o son over to describe in complete detail what all 379 of his Hot Wheels look like
Two words: Egg Newtons™
Hard boiled eggs with a delicious fig filling.
Twitter takes me places I’ve never been before. Take oncoming traffic for example.
[8 AM]
Me: Time to wake up.
[13 HOURS LATER]
Me: Time to go to bed.
Kid: But, Mom, it’s 9 AM.
ME: Not gonna make it in today. I hurt my updog.
BOSS: What’s updog?
ME: Nothing much, prolly just gonna take a nap.
I couldn’t afford an engagement ring so I just poured a can of spaghettios on her hand
ariana grande looks like she was designed in a lab by japanese perverts
My kid fell off the bed and into the laundry basket head first. She’ll probably never forgive me for laughing so hard but I’m only human and that shits funny
Ticks are pests.
People pay money to get them removed.But on Twitter, people pay to get them placed.
Hate is a strong word. I need a stronger one.
Them: what’s an expensive hobby of yours?
Me: living
This year I have a few special people on my list that will get expired gift cards wrapped up with tons of glitter.
[1st date]
HER: So do you have any hobbies?
SALT SHAKER: Nice dress! It would look great on my floor
HER: What?!
HIM: Just ventriloquism
you: this is my avocado peeler, and this is my avocado masher, and this is my avocado slicer…
me: fork.
[screaming into the void]
MARCO
MILLION DOLLAR IDEA: An alarm clock that sounds like a dog’s pre-puke warning grunts.
I’ve tried playing Jenga with children. But it’s so much easier using the little wooden blocks.
If he was arranged diagonally would you call him Slanta?
Me: *making a snow angel*
Bartender: …ok, he’s cut off. Get him off the dance floor
Noah’s Ark was so unrealistic. Have you ever tried to pen up velociraptors? Did the guy who wrote the Bible even watch Jurassic Park first?
MEDIC ALERT BRACELET:
Do not resuscitate. Erase the selfies on my phone or I will Amityville your house.
“Dad can we get a puppy?”
“No but we can get a submarine if you like?”
[2 hours later 3000m beneath the pacific]
“dad I should be at school”
Me: Pork chops, in a sherried cream sauce, with roasted garlic and dried chanterelles.
Her: So cream of mushroom soup.
Me: Basically
Just know that when times get tough and you see two sets of footprints in the sand, that’s when Elmo and Tracy Chapman are carrying you
How long do you have to stop eating a meal before calling it leftovers?
Me: hi, I’d like to schedule an exorcism for my husband
Priest: what makes you think he’s possessed?
Me: he forgets to eat on a regular basis
Priest: that’s not really-
Me: also he doesn’t “care for for cheese”
Priest: *grabs largest crucifix* Let’s do this
Shouting “Shotgun” will get you the front seat of a car or a heap of cash if you whisper it to a cashier.