Me: *on the TV show “House Hunters”* There’s a house. And there’s one. Ok there’s like 5 right next to each other.
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“Wearing horizontal stripes will make you look bigger and really stand out.”
Young Waldo: (whispering) Some day I’ll prove you wrong.
Having a pool is so neat. All of your friends are suddenly interested to catch up on the hottest days of the year.
Opened a bag of turkey jerky that smelled kinda weird but ate one anyway and when I looked at the package I realized I accidentally bought dog treats. Still pretty good tho
If her last two boyfriends died in mysterious car explosions, you may not want to heart-eyes emoji her friend’s selfie.
Fox News and Facebook did to our parents what they said video games would do to us.
[Phone Call]
Me: My hair has never been this long before
Her: How does it look?
Me: Picture Jim Halpert in Season 1 of The Office…
Her: Oh well that’s actually kinda cu…
Me: …with a big bald spot on top.
I’m not moody, I’m just on shuffle
HUSBAND: You dropped your phone, broke a glass, and frightened the dog.
ME: Yeah, but I killed the spider!
Humans™
they start off corded but convert to wireless easily
Me: I’ve reached the point of no return.
Librarian: Nice try, pal.
Someone taught my 3yo the phrase “what in tarnation” so now I know what it’s like raising an 18th century toddler with a potty mouth.
ME: Waiter!
WAITER: What’s wrong?
ME: I ordered the alphabet soup.
WAITER: What’s the problem?
ME: How many letters are there?
WAITER: Twenty six, sir.
ME: Well, this soup only has bees.
‘Shake It Off’ is probably my favorite urinal sing-along song.
Apparently there is a mountain high enough.
how to screw with your cat’s head 101
Do you have to go to the bathroom?
No
You sure?
Yes
How about now?
No
Now?
No
[movie begins]
Daddy?
FOR CRYING OUT LOUD
Imagine kissing a frog and it turns into a Prince. Like, great, now I gotta go find another sexy frog
Want to change your name without any legal hassles? Just come up with a new pronunciation, the government isn’t even keeping track of that. Congratulations Brenda, you’re Breenday now and no one can stop you
*kicks house door down* I SAID HAVE YOU ACCEPTED JESUS INTO YOUR LIFE?
60% of Americans? That’s almost half. 🙂
My husband likes a hot breakfast on Sunday, so I lit his cornflakes on fire.
[Diner]
Waitress: Cops, and kids 5 and under eat for free
*me, discreetly nudging my 6 year-old*
my 6 year-old: im a police
[On a date and we pull into the restaurant parking lot]
“I’ll just wait in the car.”
I have seagull managers. They swoop in, screech like hell, shit all over everything, then fly away.
Sometimes I just sit and admire the gray in my husband’s beard, how distinguished it’s becoming, and think “I DID THAT”
*stepping on the moon’s surface wearing socks* Oh god dammit
after my son won his soccer game, his teammate invited us over to celebrate. it was father, son, and the goalie host
I bet kangaroos get drunk and find some ridiculous shit in their pouches in the morning.