Me: I spend a lot of time awake at night, asking myself things like “Why don’t dogs have belly buttons?”
Priest: Ok valid question but not a confession, per se
You Might Also Like
Credit card company: Sir, you have an outstanding balance.
Me: Thanks. I do yoga.
The 50k lady’s grandfather left her money that he could’ve spent on himself, and she handed it to scammers. Folks, NEVER provide for your family
I just remembered the time I went on a first date to London Zoo and at the gate he asked if I would mind paying for my own ticket, which I said I would, at which point he pulled out a 2-for-1 voucher, so I paid for my ticket and he went in for free.
[garage sale]
ME: can I leave my children as collateral
LADY: you haven’t bought anything
(My first day as a Judge): Bay leaf! Season the prisoner!
Courtroom:
Me: … Well this is embarrassing
Why should you never brush your teeth with your left hand?
Because a toothbrush works better.
Me: do you like bad boys?
Her: no
Me: are you sure?
Her: [covers her dog’s ears] okay yes
[Doctor’s Office]
Sir, it appears you have takes-everything-literally disease.
“Is it bad, doc?”
Yes, but bear in mind-
AHHHHHHHHHHHHHH
Not sure why people with shingles aren’t prescribed roofies.
And send.
My psychiatrist is mad at me, told him I could hear people but couldn’t see them…he said when does this happen…I said over the phone
Vacationing Putin fished, hiked, swam, and wrestled a bear.
Vacationing Trump rode a golf cart to his other golf cart.
I like to refer to what gravity has done to my body as the rise and fall of the Roman Empire.
HISTORIAN: im a historian
ME: ah… so… wats ur favorite… uh… year
HISTORIAN: oh, 1901
ME: ah yes… the year they discobvered the… 19th century
You know, if you murder enough people you get your own Wikipedia page.
I’m trying to cut back on how much sense I make
Accidentally used AXE shampoo to wash my cat the other day and now he’s boxing strays and impregnated 17 dogs
No one is full of more false hope than a parent bringing a chair to the beach.
Friend: *crying* I’ve been to Hell and back.
Me: *hugging her* Did you bring me a souvenir?
She thinks I drink all day when she’s at work. I don’t… I stop just before she gets home
I like to use the Ouija board to pester my dead husbands.
Who really needs jetpacks, I want to be able to start over from my last save point
people who put their finger everywhere: leave my dimples alone
me: what’s ur favorite thing on the menu
waiter: oh definitely the salmon
me: oh yes ok i’ll have the *orders something that is not salmon*
Any jeans can be skinny jeans if you eat enough doughnuts.
I’m sorry I said your baby has a face for radio.
The initials of the Sri Lankan players read like DOS commands. MKDIR, CHKDSK.
Why couldn’t I have been born rich instead of so ridiculously witty?
Fun With Magnets: Monday Edition
This wine tastes like everyone can go make their own dinner.
Nothing is creepier than watching someone hula hoop with a serious look on their face.