My good friend has been fired because he slept with one of his patients. After 7 years of medical school, what a waste of time, effort, training & money. This just goes to show one mistake can ruin your life. It’s sad for him.
He is a great guy & was a brilliant veterinarian.
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Get rid of the “quality check” section on the Domino’s pizza tracker. I know what I’m getting myself into here.
Kinda crazy how the entire country can watch a hurricane destroy a city in real time now. 100 years ago it was just like, “When was the last time anyone heard from Galveston? Months? Should we send someone to check on that?”
What the world needs now is
a. love
b. sweet love
c. a category in IMDB that gives you a visual height comparison by actor for a given cast in a show
forgive me baja for i have blast
*sitting on a seesaw for 20 minutes*
…OK, there’s ONE downfall to being the last human alive.
They wrote “Kevin” on my coffee cup lol how do you get “Kevin” from “David” not to mention they got my order completely wrong
They don’t tell you that it is perfectly legal to swim out into the ocean, grab whatever fish you can, & eat it on the way back
I wouldn’t mind razor blades in my Halloween candy this year, they’re getting really expensive.
i would simply not board a british passenger liner that was poorly captained and about to sideswipe an iceberg
My 7yo, as we drive past the tennis courts near his school: “that’s where all the old grandpas yell at each other.”
I just wanna be alone but I have all this internet access.
Let’s talk about my ability to hold a grudge. Back in ’78, a friend of mine bought me an album by The Rolling Stones, but she opened it and recorded it first. To this day, I refer to her as “Kathy, you know, the one that opened that album…”
If I got a nickel when someone called me an old soul,
I could buy a hot dog, french fries, a large coke, fill up my gas tank and still have enough left over to get a ticket to the baseball game
therapy: $500
tattoo: $500 but cooler
Kids: We are making you a Christmas gift!
Me: Oh, that is so sweet-
K: *pull out paint*
Me: You really don’t-
K: *pull out glue*
Me: Really, guys, I don’t need-
K: *pull out glitter*
Me: Christmas is cancelled.
“Can I be honest with you?”
“Yes.”
“You don’t know me at all do you?”
I told my 5 year old my birthday was coming up and he asked if we were going to have pizza and a bounce house and now I’m wondering why the hell I’m not.
My sister texted and asked if she and her kids could come over,
and now I’m frantically looking for a new place to live.
Do dogs understand elevators or are they just like ok it’s time to get into the world changer
Tried arranging dinner out but AC changed eat to war so I arrived to find the whole family laying siege to this Taco Bell.
[introductions at a party]
Me: this is my first wife
Her: and current wife
Me: and these are her kids
Her: they’re also his
Me: we keep it friendly
Her: on account of we’re still married
Me: and I love these kids like they’re my own
Her: because they are
Dear Olive Garden,
They grow on trees. Your name should be Olive Orchard. Seems like someone could have googled this.
I can’t really explain it, but the second half of the alphabet is more exciting than the first.
[college career fair]
Me: I cheated my way through school, lied to professors & learned nothing, FML
*CIA recruiter hires me on the spot*
How wrong was this guy?
I’ve never been on a diet but one time I had to wait until my wife left the kitchen so I could sneak some more cookies before dinner.
*eating a brick of cheese like a stick of butter, which I eat like a burrito, which I eat like an ear of corn*
walking into gamestop smoking a cigar to announce that i own $60 of stock and i demand they add garfield to super smash bros
If your human doesn’t feed you immediately, run in front of their feet and trip them up.
~Cats, apparently.
We can put a man on the moon, but we can’t think of a less terrifying way to can biscuits